Health Coach | Speaker | Writer | Welcome to my digital diary! I'm here to help you blend life & fitness to find your health & happy! Thank you for being part of my family & allowing me to add value to your journey!
They say pictures speak 1,000 words. I don’t agree with that statement.
If you were bullied, made fun of, or left out as a child, it might not surprise you to learn that research has shown how those experiences have long-term effects well into adulthood.
That certainly has been the case for me.
About 20% of students ages 12-18 experienced bullying nationwide according to Stopbullying.gov
Students ages 12–18 who reported being bullied said they thought those who bullied them:
Had the ability to influence other students’ perception of them (56%).
Had more social influence (50%).
Were physically stronger or larger (40%).
Had more money (31%).
Just because you slap a pretty picture of yourself on social media doesn’t mean you embody a confident person or even love the body you’re starin at.
And FYI, good health coaches, will make sure you’re not only healthy in body but also mind, because that mindset piece absolutely has to be in place first before you do any kind of dieting. If you’re looking for quality mentors, I have a wonderful network of fellow health coaches. Just message me💌
I believe actions speak even louder than a picture. I think this picture of me taken by my talented friend @matteuccij13@lensandlightphoto is 🔥
I’m proud.
But it doesn’t show all the hard work, emotions, & life behind the smirk.
Often times during the day when I’m triggered, my mind will wander & I will think about the ridicule my classmates put me through growing up.
I remember kids calling me lamb chop because I had big bangs, fat farmer girl because I grew up on a farm & to say the least was definitely ‘corn fed,’ & even those trying to console me with the, “If you would only lose weight you would be x, y, & z.”
I was told I was too big to be a cheerleader, I wasn’t fast or talented enough to be an athlete, I wasn’t pretty or thin enough to get a boyfriend. But I was smart. And I was kind.
For decades this baggage was the heaviest weight I carried through all my shapes & sizes.
Through therapy I learned how it affected my relationships & love life. I built walls so high around myself & guarded them with weapons of avoidant attachment, sarcasm & ambiguity.
As an adult, a person with an avoidant attachment style may experience the following:
avoiding emotional closeness in relationships
feeling as though their partners are being clingy when they simply want to get emotionally closer
withdrawing and coping with difficult situations alone
suppressing emotions
avoiding complaining, preferring to sulk or hint at what is wrong
suppressing negative memories
withdrawing, or tuning out, from unpleasant conversations or sights
fearing rejection
having a strong sense of independence
having feelings of high self-esteem while having a negative view of others
being overly focused on their own needs and comforts
My therapist told me I am REALLY GOOD at acting like I don’t give a fxck. So much so I somehow taught myself how to shut my emotion off & that’s why I was able to cut people out of my life with no remorse.
Ooooof. Fxck me, right?! 😆
Sound familiar?
Anyone else an avoidant like me? 🤚
Guys that liked me who were attractive, smart, & successful intimidated me whether I liked them or not because I felt I was still that fat girl & not successful enough to be worthy of a relationship with them. My therapist said I placed them in this box of the popular boys at school that used to make fun of me, which wasn’t fair to them or myself.
Same with successful women, too. I felt I wasn’t good enough to ‘sit at the cool kids table.”
(Outfit on left: @stitchfix And here’s $25 if you’d like to look like you have your shxt together too haha :)~
A light bulb went off in my head. She’s right. This all makes sense now.
So I decided to get to the root cause, & fix my shxt, frankly.
I talked to a few of them via social media & this is what they had say…
God love social media, it makes connecting so much easier.
There were a few who claimed they didn’t remember much about our school years, **cough, BULLSHXT** – others were eager to apologize & share their experiences & side of the story.
Come to find out often people are making fun of you because someone else is making fun of them. All goes back to hurt people hurt people.
I had one girl apologize numerous times & she said, “I am so sorry for putting you through that. I had a miserable home life, shxtty boyfriend & I chose to take it out on you. I’m sorry.”
We chatted for an hour. I forgave her & I really hope she was able to forgive herself.
I was shocked to learn that many of the “popular” girls we’re secretly unhappy & struggling due to their social status.
One stated she basically had an eating disorder her entire life & she didn’t feel any of her friends were “real” friends or boyfriends really liked her other than for what she looked like.
A few that were athletes stated as they got older they realized they had used their athletic abilities as a guard and facade to managing societal pressures. Said their worth hinged on their athletic ability, so when sports were over, they felt like they didn’t know who they were anymore. They struggled immensely for years feeling lost & shameful in adulthood.
One girl, who was like the prettiest girl at school, said she actually felt like an outcast with extreme pressure to always live up to somebody else’s expectations. Her mom was hard on her. She became so obsessed with always looking put together that she has anxiety still when she thinks about trying to put an outfit together.
As we continue to talk I realized I wasn’t always kind to others either. Gossiping wasn’t right. Making fun of someone else because they made fun of me wasn’t right. Refusing to talk to people because I thought they thought they were better than me wasn’t right.
I had one boy tell me years later that he always liked me but my silence made other people think that I thought I was better than them or stuck up when I had finally lost weight.
Which wasn’t the case at all it was my protection. If I didn’t say anything I wouldn’t give other people ammunition to ridicule.
So I developed a “strong silence.”
This turned into me also being an overachiever & loather of weakness & laziness. Resting is still hard for me.
I had a performance review when I was around 27 years old & my manager told me that I had a “strong silence” which others took as me being arrogant and I needed to be more understanding of other people‘s weaknesses.
To put it bluntly: “You’re resting bitch face & the fact you can do other people’s jobs better make them uncomfortable.” 😂
It was eye-opening & ego shattering at the same time. I had no idea that is how I was being perceived & it forced me to sit down & observe my past behaviors & who I truly wanted to be.
The open conversations, therapy, mistakes, and so many years of reflection have given me the opportunity to forgive others who tormented me and also forgive myself.
Remember things aren’t always as they seem. We’re in this life together. Words and actions are painful, choose wisely.
Above all nurture your relationship with self, even the dirty parts. Healing is the answer. A relentless pursuit of betterment is the answer.
I deactivated my Facebook this weekend. Finally pulled the trigger.
After the last year & a half of life changing stillness, loss, & uncertainty, I’ve been reflecting on my life, especially my career & authenticity.
It’s a whole hxll of a lot easier to look back & reflect only on the highlight reels, wanting to fast-forward or delete the painful moments.
I realized Facebook no longer brought me joy, I felt it was more of a negative distraction to fill the uncomfortable voids in my day.
Recently, I find myself pushing the pause again – pushing myself to take time to ask myself what REALLY aligns for ME at this very moment. It’s hard. I know, however, it’s absolutely necessary to grow.
The truth is, when I’m honest, not only did many fantastic opportunities in my life pass by or end prematurely because I felt I wasn’t good enough AND/OR I made a decision because I was placing someone else’s needs, feelings, & journey above my own.
Regardless of the circumstance, I would find valid reasons (excuses) why I needed to people please, or be the ‘Good Girl’, or the job or time or diet or workout or guy was/wasn’t right – yet I’d leave out the part about me not doubting myself.
Reflecting on these cycles, I realized I was choking on imposter syndrome.
Impostor syndrome refers to an internal experience of believing that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be.
Years ago, a Brooklyn based meal prep company hired me as their Midwest Nutrition Sales & Consulting Representative.
I knew jack about sales.
I knew people.
I knew how to care for people working in healthcare & radiology full time & coaching CrossFit & nutrition coaching as a side hustle.
I took that job & traveled for a whole year, learned a lot of life skills, made tons of connections, & also was scared shitless 99% of the time. My picture was even on the front page of their website.
Website Photo, Photo by Pamela Scott, Dreaming Willow Photography
I continuously told myself I wasn’t as good as the other reps. I made myself miserable. But I was really good at that ‘fake it till ya make it’ part. But it eats at you after time.
I was qualified, capable, and people loved me, but I wasn’t confident.
Have you ever felt like a complete fraud and that everyone was going to find out that you didn’t earn or deserving of your accomplishments?
Have you struggled with feeling like you don’t belong, don’t fit in?
Join the club. No one likes to talk about or admit it though.
So I started researching how to overcome my feelings. Reviewing Dr. Valerie Young’s research, she discovered specific imposter syndrome subgroups:
The Perfectionist – They have such high expectations for themselves that even small mistakes will make them feel like a failure.
The Superwoman/Superman – They put in longer hours, never take days off and must succeed in all aspects of life in order to prove they are the “real deal.”
The Natural Genius – They are used to things coming easily, so when something is too hard or they don’t master it on the first try, they feel shame and self-doubt.
The Soloist – They don’t like to ask for help, so when they do, they feel like a failure or a fraud.
The Expert – They continuously seek out additional certifications or training because they feel as though they will never know enough to be truly qualified.
I’d read through these and thought, dxmn, I fit into more than one of these.
Thank you, childhood trauma.
My parents set high expectations for me at a young age (I’m grateful they did tho).
I remember I got an 86%, my lowest grade ever, in Algebra, and I was devastated and thought my mom would hate me.
I graduated in the top of my class in high school, and on the Dean’s list in college at Purdue University, landed a huge internship at Eli Lilly my senior year of college too, yet for some reason, I still never felt good enough.
Today, it’s even harder. Social media has connected us all in ways I never thought possible. It’s a double edged sword I say. It’s wonderful to use for education, creativity, & connection but it also conjures a whole mess of negativity too.
I told you all before, I LOATHE the word ‘influencer.’ I feel it labels & places us in a shallow box of facades.
I’ve discussed with y’all how photoshop, & filters, & focusing on the highlight reels distort our feelings about ourselves, expectations of proper life timelines, public image, body image – the list goes on.
We place our worth and validation on likes & swipe rights.
So what do we do to overcome these faux feelings about ourselves? I though hard about this and came up with a few small steps that gave me solutions, comfort, & hope…
1.) Get Real Get Honest
When you feel like a fxck up, or unworthy, or you made a mistake, or you feel shame in some way – call yourself out & get real. You can only hide your feelings for so long, it’s just a Band-Aid.
2.) Emotions are Fleeting, Focus on Facts
We’re human, we change our minds and are emotional creatures. Write out the facts. Make a pros and cons list. You are qualified, capable, and worthy.
3.) Don’t Try to Fit In
Life would be boring if we were all the same.
Life would be boring if our lives always turned out as planned and perfect. You would never learn if you didn’t make mistakes. Your mess is your message. Be a trailblazer and own your shxt. Be kind always – to yourself and others. Seek first to understand before judging.
4.) Celebrate Every Win
Don’t downplay your accomplishments. No matter how small. Maybe you lost a couple lbs, maybe you got through your entire ‘To Do’ list, maybe you saved $100 this month, maybe you got a $2 raise, maybe you just got through the week and didn’t lose your shxt. High five sis, take’em all!
5.) Be The Person You Seek To Embody
I guess this is kind of like ‘fake it till you make it.’ All goes back to thoughts become things & you attract the vibe you put out.
“Watch your thoughts, they become words; Watch your words, they become actions; Watch your actions, they become habits; Watch your habits, they become character; Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
Embrace yourself, baby. You have permission to be a hot mess & hot shot at the same time.
Surround yourself by people who make you better, push you, love and support you through the highlight reels & REAL reels.
Remember these…
“Be yourself, an original is worth more than a copy.” – Unknown
and
“If you want to be original, be ready to be copied.” – Coco Chanel
They just rile me up. It means I have to choose something & release something else.
I realize now it gives me anxiety because I fear making the wrong choice & somehow that makes me a bad person. A failure. An imposter. Which are 2 of my worst fears.
How about guys? You feel this way too?
I feel if I make a ‘bad’ decision, I’m not achieving, I’m not people pleasing, & that makes me less worthy somehow.
I realized it was paralyzing me & there are no wrong decisions — only an experience.
That doesn’t make me a bad person that makes me human. I focused too much on the end product & not on the love of the journey & process.
This was applicable to my love life, my relationship with food & body image, career goals — you name it.
Also, let me remind you, nothing is irreversible. Picture the worst case outcome. Trust me, you’ll be fine.
Dr. Joe Dispenza preaches the POWER is in the present, becoming unattached to outcomes.
We can’t worry about the past, it doesn’t need us anymore. Learn the lessons.
Now, 2nd guessing.
This shows up in the smallest ways.
✅Ex: I choose the hamburger but 2nd guess myself when your wings come out.
✅Ex: I choose to go to CrossFit but Karen down the road went for a 5 mile run. Maybe I should’ve done that.
✅Ex: I chose Partner A because he feels comfortable & safe but I truly want Partner B but somehow don’t feel good enough for partner B.
✅Ex: I chose job 1 bc it gives me freedom. But I really need job 2 bc it’s stable yet I’m afraid of commitment.
Am I the biggest fxck up in the world because I did so? No.
So here’s what I want to reiterate, decisions are crossroads. You’re not less worthy because you make a decision that didn’t turn out.
You’re not indecisive or savage or weak or broken or stupid or whatever you tell yourself.
It’s simply your baggage being pulled out of your bag.
So sit yo 🍑on the floor & unpack your baggage — it’s not gonna unpack itself.
And I’ll be sittn on the floor, with a cocktail or coffee, unpacking my shxt with you. ❤️🥃☕️
One change that will massively impact every facet of your life — find your magic time.
Everyone has a time a day where they are 10x more effective at the GSD than the rest of the day. FIND IT.
Most successful people have a refined early morning routine, habits, & thus, successful SYSTEM that ensures optimization.
Every day is a new day to make a different decision. No regrets. Learn from past decisions & choose to not stay there.
The past doesn’t need you & the future hasn’t happened yet, it hinges on your present 🎁
“You are where you are because of your choices. There is nothing to gain by regretting. Review your decisions for lessons and make a new decision to change.” @realcraigballantyne
Heart wrenching conversation with a client yesterday I’m certain all of us have encountered & then realized how interconnected emotions & outcomes are.
She told me, she knows he doesn’t love her for her, but she keeps holding on which is affecting her weight & basically everything else in her life.
So I started off with this: Our job on this earth is not to have to sell or transform ourselves to earn someone’s love. It’s just to simply be loved for exactly who we are & we are to do the same.
Relationships & your worth are determined by your own definition, not society’s definition or timelines you think you need to be living.
I’ve said this before, I fully stand by it, people can choose to evolve with you or without you in any kind of relationship, romantic or platonic.
The people you surround yourself with, make you. They are a reflection of your values & integrity.
It’s OK to grow out of relationships. It’s OK if those people choose to part. It takes a BIG, evolved person to lovingly release someone you care deeply for.
You can’t build a relationship with a person you love for who you want them to be.
Honor your individuality.
Don’t be afraid to take chances on experiences if they feel right, don’t hoard shame if they didn’t work out the way you thought.
Be proud of yourself for choosing love, especially love for yourself. It’s the only relationship you’re going to have forever. If you’re not happy, you’re not going to make anyone else happy. The negative energy you put out if you don’t feel aligned will only further grow & bring more negative.
It’s pretty simple really. Give love away like there are no conditions attached, and this goes for letting it go too. By doing this we enable the alignment & flow that is supposed to happen in this life experience.
You can begin creating the life, body, & love you desire right now, even if you don’t have the pieces in place you think you need in order to start.
All it takes is acceptance, intention, effort, & LOVE.
Got up at 4am, went to the gym expecting a 5am workout, not sure what happened but no one was there to open the gym. Shxt happens, right?!
So I thought, I can choose to be angry or I can choose Plan B & not let emotions control me.
I’m a big believer in the Universe gives you what you need for your highest alignment, always.
Repeat after me, “Things happen FOR me not TO me.”
I chose plan B. Went to @hotworx.fishers & got in an amazing hot cycle active recovery day. This is probably the Universe telling me I needed to take it easy.
Read an article on investing this morning, now I know nothing about stocks & investing, but I’ve always been intrigued. So I’m taking aligned action to learn. Work smarter not harder. It’s time I learn & not fear.
Oh and before I forget, 2 questions I learned that will help you avoid conflict in your relationship with yourself & others:
1.) Does your EARNING power or SAVING power make you feel more safe & secured?
(Helpful with saving and spending habits)
2.) Do you want SUPPORT or a SOLUTION?
(Helpful when facing a problem)
I felt these were huge & wanted to share.
Our differences and not letting emotions control us apply to us all because the same secrets can be applied to your fitness journeys, money journeys, relationship journeys, healing journeys — you name it.
This article was talking about the secret to staying IN THE GAME. That’s the key to wealth building.
And that secret is learning how to control your emotions and not let them control you.
LIFE in general, I feel is like 5% theory, 5% execution, & 90% managing your emotions. Similar to the article I read this morning.
The THEORY part, you can learn and research all the things, but if you don’t take aligned action you’re still going to be in the same place.
This applies to money, love, & health.
The EXECUTION part, that’s the aligned action. LFG. You’ve heard me say it before, you either DO or you DON’T. Your choice. I prefer to be a doer.
You either go workout or you don’t. You choose to eat well or you don’t. You choose to save and invest wisely, or you don’t. You choose to evolve with your partner or you don’t.
The MANAGING YOUR EMOTIONS part, you either work with your emotions for your benefit or you let them control you. Sometimes the best thing to do, and this is what I’ve started doing, take the emotion out of it. Then reflect before making a decision.
The gym wasn’t open this morning, ok. Plan B, what can I do in this moment to make it more magic to my benefit?
— Go get in a short workout, chalk it up to an active recovery day. Give gratitude I have options & my health.
Say you invested, then you lost money, then you learned from said experience, made a different choice, doubled your money 💰
Really y’all, everything comes down to mindset. Thoughts become things. Money is just energy. You control your energy and relationship with things & people. Love, money, & health are connected.
I’ll leave you with a favorite quote for #mindsetmonday
I keep this in my daily scheduler & as an alarm that goes off at 11:11 every day along with the reminder to live by my authentic values:
“Watch your thoughts, they become words; Watch your words, they become actions; Watch your actions, they become habits; Watch your habits, they become character; Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
When you read this title, most think of someone spending hours in the gym. If you would’ve asked me years ago, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought, I would’ve thought the same thing.
The one exercise you MUST do…
…exercise your mind.
It never would have occurred to me the power and influence of our minds. How our minds push our bodies to defy expectations, beliefs, and even our own biology. Call’em miracles?
So lets chat about two habits I cultivated that can also help you change your life. You can start right now. It’s easy, promise!
I knew when I was in the pit of ONE of my rock-bottoms, cuz ya gurlz had many, I had to start changing my beliefs & mindset.
⁃ My health was not good. ⁃ I was bloated & constipated all the time it seemed no matter what I ate. ⁃ I was putting on weight (FYI when you hoard negative emotional energy, that can be the actual culprit literally weighing you down). ⁃ My performance in the gym sucked. ⁃ I didn’t wanna wear anything but baggy clothes, thank God I wear scrubs to work. Which also translated into me wanting to hide all the time. Hermit mode engaged. ⁃ I was in debt, yet I couldn’t stop myself from overspending because I was putting a fxcking Band-Aid on a bullet hole — I was unhappy. You know it’s a problem when you order shxt from Amazon & you forget you ordered shit from Amazon.
I felt like this was just my story & I could never get ahead. I can’t tell you how valuable to was to invest in coaches to guide me along my way: business coach, nutrition coach, therapist, functional medicine docs, family docs. Don’t be afraid to invest, you’ll get more back in return. And if you need someone to talk to, tell me about your story here. We’ll hop the phone & get some answers for you.
Despite me doing all the physical exercise known to man (president of the ‘habitual over exercisers club’ right hurrrr), the one exercise I was not doing — exercising changing my mindset to rewrite my story.
Sound familiar?
So what did I do?
The two habits that changed my life forever — GRATITUDE every morning & cultivating my ENVIRONMENT (mental & physical) to RECEIVE ABUNDANCE & what I wanted.
I started listening to podcasts and YouTube‘s to people I inspired to be like.
Successful people. Positive people. Learning about things that would make me better as a coach and human and partner and friend and daughter and coworker, etc.
First thing in the morning I say at least three things I am grateful for and something I love about myself.
Second thing, I check my podcasts and YouTube‘s to see what I wanna listen to today.
BONUSES…let me give you a couple more.
I detoxed my social media and unfollowed anything and anyone that made me feel negative energy or the need to compare & mourn past versions of my body (it only fuels disordered eating and body image.)
I also detoxed the people in my life. Yes, I understand this is a hard one especially when it comes down to friends and family. But it is absolutely necessary. Stop ignoring that nagging feeling that keeps telling you you don’t need to be around that friend or that person you keep dating but they treat you like yesterday’s trash.
Trash creates more trash. You attract the energy and vibe you put out.
When you fall in love with who you are, under any circumstance, you awaken the love you need within you and you naturally attract and experience more love and success in your life.
This is a lot easier to do when you cultivate a nourishing environment for you to grow into your fullest potential.
Some of my favorite podcasts, social media, & YouTubes:
Nailed my 13k steps today. That was my goal. Rounded them out tonight at home on the ole treadmill watching Real Housewives of New Jersey. 😆
I got to thinking about a therapy session I had where we were working on the feeling of “being alone.”
For me I struggled with the frustration that “no one will ever understand & accept the real me so I’m better of by myself.”
— I’m complex, I recharge in my alone time
I’m a bit of an a$$hole sometimes & hella fun too 😉
I change my mind a lot
I want to achieve & do so much & reach my full potential
I love soooo many different things & I want them all
I want to learn as much I can & soak up every bit of this life, even the mistakes.
Call me greedy, ambitious?
Whatever.
I’ve been called worse 😂
Anyone else feel this way?
I realized that in my life when I had felt alone it was because I wasn’t being vulnerable enough to let my guard down to be truly seen for who I was.
And that’s the person that’s not perfect, does not have her shxt together all the time, has no idea where the hxll she’s going or what the right answers are.
The reason we feel so alone is because we’re not allowing true connection.
It’s like social media & only showing the highlight reels. They’re masks we put on.
Just wanted to write these feelings down in case anyone else has felt like me.
