Health Coach | Speaker | Writer | Welcome to my digital diary! I'm here to help you blend life & fitness to find your health & happy! Thank you for being part of my family & allowing me to add value to your journey!
I love a glass of Prosecco, laughs, & good conversation.
Sometimes that’s all a girl needs.
I’m an introvert by true nature. Used to feel guilty for it. I recharge in my aloneness, however.
As this fine wine has aged, I find so much peace in being alone. Having a small circle of friends. And I find myself realizing, finally, I am my own best friend.
Being alone used to be a fear for me. I can’t think of a more pressingly painful feeling that cuts deeper than falling into the bottomless pit of loneliness.
Heartbreak is a close second.
My girlfriends & I talked about how as you age you become more comfortable knowing what you want and what you don’t and having no remorse for your feelings, thoughts, needs, & behaviors.
I am so grateful for the shit & numbing I’ve had to wade through to get to this point.
Here is the tricky part about the art of numbing: There is only so long a person can survive off Band-Aids. At some point, you’re going to have to treat the infection — even if it means having to feel the burn when the painkillers start to wear off. The breakdown.
That’s the beauty of the breakdown. When you hit a rock bottom, you’re forced to make a choice. You either die, or you deal with it.
I talked this morning about how the relationship with yourself dictates all of the relationships with everyone else in your life.
In learning to be my own best friend, I found the remedy for loneliness & stillness & mundane. I hope these words can help you.
I encourage you to take the time to get to know yourself. Don’t be afraid to confront all the feels. Don’t apologize for your wants and needs and all the weird shit that makes you, you. Some days even if I really like you I just flat don’t feel like talking to people. And I don’t apologize for that anymore.
No matter how hard or how amazing or how confusing or wonderful or wild life is, you will never be truly alone if you harvest a loving relationship with yourself.
You are the most precious person in the world.
I think I’m funny as hell, I laugh at myself all the time, I have complete conversations with myself.
A while back, someone slid into my DM‘s & commented I had no boobs, no butt, & my eyebrows were too thick…
💁🏼♀️Apparently they drank the Hater-aid.
Years ago I would’ve been crushed. Most likely starved myself for weeks later because it was something I could control. Or tried to find the next work out that would change my body. Maybe different hair color. A bandaid. A drug. A high.
It happens to us all the time. What you have to realize is when people lash out at you like this, that is a reflection of how they view themselves. It really has nothing to do with you.
Love them anyways. Wish them healing.
I posted these beautiful words on my Instagram stories almost a year ago:
“Every day, she falls in love -
She falls in love just a little bit more.
She falls in love just a little bit more, with who she is, and with who she isn’t.
She falls in love just a little bit more, with her flaws, her fears, and her insecurities.
With her smile, her her laugh, her voice, and her body.
With her passions, her goals, her dreams and her future.
Every day, she falls in love -
She falls in love just a little bit more, with exactly who God created her to be -
This unique, intelligent, independent, kind, caring, funny, creative, talented woman with a beautiful mind, a loving heart, and an incredibly deep soul.” @allthings_possible
What we really have is a happiness & lack of self-awareness problem.
It’s not just because you’re overweight or underweight or struggling financially, relationally, or however this relates in your life.
=> you dig. Go deep.
=> you spend time alone. You ache from lonely.
=> you acknowledge. You heal.
=> you empower. Yourself & others.
=> you look in the mirror & see God.
I am grateful for this little body & life of mine. It is strong, resilient, & every wrinkle, scar, cellulite, stretch mark — is the mark of life I lived.
“Freedom is mental clarity combined with inner peace. Freedom is when you can see without projecting and when you can live without causing yourself unnecessary mental tension or stress. It happens every moment you are not craving for more. Happiness and freedom are one.”
@yung_pueblo | A Clear Mind
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I had an 80 year old patient ask me this past week where I pictured my life in a year. She was telling me about her marriage & life when she was my age.
I told her if she had asked me that question even three months ago I probably would’ve had a completely different answer.
The most beautiful thing about life is that no matter what happened in the past you can always begin again.
You can have a change of heart. You can make mistakes & grow. You can endure the hurt from other beings. You can change your mind. You can forgive. You can change your plans of what you thought life was going to look like. You can choose to embody whatever person you wanna be. YOU choose your definition of happiness, love, & freedom.
I thought I was destined to just forever work my fingers to the bone here in Indy. It is where my roots are planted deep. 🌽
And yeah, right now I’m puttin in 50hrs minimum a week. Honestly that’s bullsht — I’m workin more like 60 hours a week.
I love my jobs, however. I have purpose & in the end it gives me financial freedom & peace of mind & so much soul food. They are my gifts & I was given these gifts for a reason so I’m gonna use’em.
But I know I don’t wanna do this forever. I’m not really living life.
Anyone else feel like this too?
I am intentionally grindin right now to get where I want to be because I’m not afraid to make sacrifices & work hard to get what I want.
I have goals I’m working towards & an epic life I’m ready to build.
Let the space between where you are, who you are, & where you wanna be & who you wanna be motivate the fck outta your life.
Fill your time with only people & things that matter.
And LOVE.
Love is always the answer❤️
Like my Mama always told me, let your roots run deep but let your heart have wings 🦋
I have no idea what kind of influence I actually have on people.
I have the tendency to just go about my life, hustlin, trying to be a good human. Tryin to be true to myself, basically spewing my heart & emotions on this thing called the gram.
It’s been really good for me. Therapeutic. Emotionally cleansing.
Like life, it has a dark side too. It can be very energetically heavy trying to be a light & lending ear to so many.
My tendency to live & do & say things unaware of how it really influences other people has its drawbacks too.
My independence alienates people unintentionally.
I don’t typically do things to be hurtful or malicious but they can come off that way.
Reason — I’m really shitty at communication. I don’t realize other people can’t read my mind or energy like I can read others.
I’m working on it.
I’m aware of it now so I don’t have any excuses for myself.
I really don’t know how I’ve affected other people’s decisions, how they feel about themselves, or their perceptions of things.
I do know I want to be the realist, most positive force I can be. I’m grateful y’all allow me to let you know you’re not alone & allow me to put my life, my emotions, my experiences & lessons into words.
I’m currently missing my best friend @_rottier_ like you wouldn’t believe. Japan is not 6 hrs away.
I pulled up my GPS today to take an alternate route to work & it still pulls up his Missouri address first.
Made me wanna cry & I was instantly pissed off at myself. I don’t like being weak. And I thought, “You ain’t got time for this shit, Katie, pull it together. Talk about whiskey glasses, @morganwallen , I’d like a few right now🥃.”
I’ve failed tests in school, I even got suspended in Xray school. 🤷🏼♀️ That authority thing has always been a struggle. 😆
My worst grade in high school was an 86% in Algebra & I thought my overachieving ass was gonna die. I obviously didn’t. And that doesn’t mean shit now.
I’ve been rejected from jobs I thought I wanted only for the right ones to come along later. Ive had hard times with family only to laugh about it later.
I’ve had friends disappoint me, men leave me, hell I’ve abused myself with all the addictions — it was never one thing: disordered eating, over exercising, drinking too much, settling, sabotaging myself, surrounding myself with a hard shell, wishing I could eat like a “normal” person without crohns & special needs.
She said, “I feel like I’ve lost the spark in my relationship. I dunno whether to stay, go, change myself or him. Maybe there’s a better one out there.”
I asked her, “Well how do you want to feel in your relationship?” — She didn’t know.
How bout we start there.
And I’ll ask y’all something my momma asked me recently, “Who do you want beside you on the beach when you’re old?”
I refer back to one of fav quotes, “Fall in love with someone who is both your safe place & your biggest adventure. — Bianca Sparacino
There is nothing about butterfly’s in that quote. And nothing about perfection.
Because let me tell ya, in 38 years I’ve never once met a perfect man or a perfect ME.
I’ve had a hard time letting people love me.
I had a bad habit of pushing away healthy, stable love. And if I felt I was going to be hurt, or things got really fucked up & hard, I’d emotionally distance & end things before I could get to that point of being the one that was hurt.
I’ve learned letting someone love you doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re deciding you deserve to be loved.
To the recovering calloused avoidant like myself, it’s hard. It feels icky sometimes & requires a shit ton of courage & vulnerability I can’t even find the words for.
My idea of love has changed as I’ve aged. I used to view it as a noun, now knowing it’s a verb.
It’s something you choose, & it takes conscious effort & work. It’s not magic fairy dust & an endless buffet of tacos & tequila (but that’s would be nice 😆🖐🏻🌮🍹sign me up btw)
A hard lesson I’ve learned recently is bad timing doesn’t always mean you stop trying.
And things you nitpick may just be your ego talkin. Just because a day, a month, or a year doesn’t seem to align right now, doesn’t mean you set the whole damn thing on fire & watch it burn.
Maybe you just need slow down, adjust your sails & wait until things are maybe a lil slightly less fucked up. 🤷🏼♀️
I sat my plant children out on the patio this morning before CrossFit & work for some sun & fresh air. I feel they’re happier when they get some time out.
I named them all. This is one of my new ones, her name is Maggie.
It takes some time setting them all out & gets my patio messy. But they’re worth it. They make me happy when I see them when I come home. Like Pete 🐈, he runs to the door when I get there. Even though he eats all my succulents & opens cabinets & drawers — making a mess.
Your message is in your mess.
Healing is messy. Life is messy. There’s not a template for it.
Some hard things I’ve learned are first loves or fierce loves don’t always mean the best loves. Stable, loyal loves are timeless. And sometimes the relationship we need to work on for another is the one with yourself.
Best friends don’t always mean friends forever.
Money is energy & like a relationship too. It deserves to be appreciated, honored, & used for good. It comes & goes like everything else in life.
One thing they all mean no matter what the outcome, however, is someone at sometime — cared. And that’s worth it.
I have good & not so good days. I have days I feel like a rock star & other days I feel like an a$$hat.
Some days I reminisce on what I could’ve done differently to change the outcomes & other days I feel like I’m living my best life.
I have moments of heart break — a mistake you made you wish you could change, hearing a song that pours salt in a wound, a scent that brings back a certain place in time, the sight of a picture, the feel of an old sweatshirt or shirt that makes you smile & cry in both appreciation & mourning of a relationship or memory.
Through it all remember that you’re human. And you’re messy.
Feel the feels.
Take the time you need to begin again.
And thank God for things you prayed for that you didn’t get. You wouldn’t be the person you are today.
I was asked yesterday by a follower 2 great questions: 1.) What was the best part of my day? & 2.) How I knew I was the #avoidant type & how I was learning to heal myself so I could be a good partner because she was struggling.
Girrrrrrrl sit down 😆🪑
If only a CT scan could tell me what I needed to do to fix this brain🧠
So…
1.) Best part of my day: getting to FaceTime with @_rottier_ 🇺🇸👉🏻🇯🇵
2.) This is gonna be long. You’ve been warned. But I don’t wanna leave anything out. I’m going to repost these on my blog site (link in bio) so they’re easier to read.
I don’t think it was until this year I realized MY FAULTS in pushing people away that were trying really hard to love me.
I viewed it as being smothered. A breach of my boundaries. I’m an introvert by nature & value my privacy & alone time.
There were definite differences, but a lot of it was just them wanting to be a part of my life & I was allowing myself to feel overwhelm, detachment, & fear of getting too “close” & having my heart broken.
I don’t like depending on people or showing weakness.
When I finally started doing the inner work to attract the right kind of partner & life I wanted, I got what I asked for.
However, the Universe has a funny way of testing you to see where you’re weak & still need work.
Things I learned thru therapy:
➡️The avoidant attachment type shows up as independent & self reliant.
➡️They guard themselves when people get close, safety is not found in other people.
➡️They emotionally distance.
➡️Non committal, they feel overwhelmed & uneasy about healthy stable love.
➡️Difficulty trusting others & asking for help.
➡️Think too much & subconsciously sabotage relationships.
➡️Females tend to be more “masculine” in nature (Tom boy, strong independent, “rough around the edges”)
It was suggested to me to trial dating apps to sort thru emotions about a relationship. To help gain clarity on my true wants & needs.
They said if it feels icky or heavy or misaligned — um it is. 😆 And that’s exactly what I felt. Ew.
I had no desire for the riff raff. Those were quickly disposed & deleted.
List to your gut. It’s never wrong.
Tips given to me for my avoidant attachment style:⠀
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1. Allow others to do some things you would normally do yourself. Makes me uncomfortable af. But I’m learning it’s okay to rely on people.
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2. Slow down when experiencing overwhelm & stress. If you need a break, communicate it. Don’t hold it in until it becomes resentment.
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3.) Get real with yourself. Feel the feels & note how you want to FEEL in a relationship.
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4. Work on setting boundaries before reaching the point of pushing people away & emotionally distancing.
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5.) Work on identifying & communicating your thoughts & feelings. Don’t be afraid to cry. Learn to be more vulnerable in SAFE relationships.
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6.) Look for the positive qualities in yourself, others & your relationships. Remember that thing about thoughts become things & the grass is greener where you water it?
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7.) If you’re about to become “runaway bride” & wanna run or GTFO — time out. Make a pros & cons list. Consider the potential benefits of staying. Make sure it’s in alignment with you.
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8.) When you’re taking time to yourself, communicate more effectively & show appreciation for the other. Example: “I need space for myself so I can be my best self for you. I appreciate your patience & I care.”
I feel the moment you get to the place where you feel at peace & at home with yourself is the moment before the relationship you always wanted shows up in your life.
It can a new one or maybe a new & improved one.
For me the healing of relationships & the world is always the healing of ourselves.
I remember days in my 20s waking up & absolutely dreading going to work & feeling a black heavy cloud over my life.
It was suffocating.
I’ve had a lot of jobs that were just that — jobs.
I really don’t think it was until my 30s that I truly appreciated & deeply loved my profession in radiology.
It took taking a lot of wrong turns to get to that place of gratitude.
Same thing for my love life.
The handful of serious relationships I’ve had, I’ve learned so much from every single one.
And I do take a piece of every single special person & take them with me in my heart.
Same thing for my jobs.
Today, I got to do one of my most favorite things in the whole world, which I was absolutely terrified of as an X-ray student — surgery.
I assisted in my first hip scope & labrum repair. Didn’t even know they used a C-arm for that. 😆 I truly appreciate the surgeon asking my name & then making sure he knew my name & thanked me as I exited.
Many times this is not commonplace.
And you’re called Xray or hey you or I’ve even had shit thrown at me, & called stupid in a case.
I’m not kidding some surgeons are just not so nice.
You learn to have really thick skin & not show fear. X-ray school & environments like this definitely do not help self-esteem or self-worth issues. 😂
I used to tell my Xray students don’t let them know you’re scared because they’ll eat you alive. You will be OK & you can do this!
Learn to think quick on your feet. Be nice to everyone in the OR & help out as much as you can within your scope of practice.
To anyone no matter what your role is in surgery knows how intimidating the environment is.
I have told you before I’m like a bull in a China shop, so for me having to have finesse in a sterile environment is not just a matter of me being polished — it is absolutely vital & necessary. It was a skill learned & refined with years of practice.
I remember having talks with myself before I went into the OR saying, “Katie do not fuck shit up. Do not contaminate or touch anything you are not supposed to!”
An entire surgery case can be dependent on one wrong move & if you don’t know what you’re doing the doctor can’t see what he’s doing.
Scary af right?!
I haven’t touched a C-arm in 3 years. Like riding a bike & it felt so good. 😉
I worked as an x-ray tech for 10 years at Community Anderson & left in 2015 when I moved to Lafayette.
My last 5 years have been the most life-changing & confusing & rewarding seasons all in one.
Points to this day in the life of scrubs & leggins:
1.) Treat everyone with respect no matter what their role, race, gender, whatever. No one is better than anyone else & you never know when you’re going to need someone’s help
2.) It’s never too late to start over. It’s never too late to refine your craft & your gifts. It’s never too late to follow what you love.
3.) Learn from your mistakes & all of the paths you take. You were placed there for a reason & you were always exactly where you’re meant to be.
We gettin deep today y’all. This is something I’ve never completely disclosed. I hope it helps you where you are right now twas a message I was nudged to share today.
So here goes…
Never did the world make a Queen of a girl who hides behind a facade of perfection in a house of guarded walls but an imperfect woman of wisdom in a house of mirrors & glass.
Are you just INTERESTED in being a Queen of high value building your empire or are you COMMITTED to being her?
I had a mentor ask me this.
Holy shit.
Another gut check moment.
You see our beliefs build habits & our habits reinforce those beliefs.
For those of you who are new around here & don’t know my story let me set a quick framework of my past that may resonate close to yours.
I too have been that human:
◽️going through a divorce feeling like failure & confused about identity
◽️car repoed, $40,000 in debt, $5 to your name, basically living out of your office & your car, eating at hotels to save money on food
◽️comparing wanting to be someone else, coveting their life or body thinking that would make me successful & happy
◽️thinking being single means there’s something wrong with me & I needed to settle & find a partner fast to actually be worthy instead of realizing I needed to work on myself & be the person I wanted to be with first
◽️getting involved in relationships, jobs, social plans when I feel resistance & ignoring my intuition, excessive drinking, overspending, giving my body to people who didn’t deserve it
So what did I do?
I visualized & BELIEVED in the things I wanted to manifest. I made a list of the things I would need to do & the person I would need to embody to achieve these things.
The BODY — healing, health, rest, eating ENOUGH, working out because I love my body, vibrancy, food & body freedom, self love
The CAREER — freedom, loving what I do, making an impact, following purpose not a paycheck
The RELATIONSHIP — doing the inner work, believing in my self worth, getting rid of pre-conditions I learned over time, self awareness of my shadows and triggers, being the person I would want to be with
The MINDSET — believing in myself, telling myself I’m a mf Hustler, a survivor, a thriver, I lead with my heart & I deserve everything I desire so I can serve others & myself to the highest degree
I stepped into my worth, I said NO to people, social media, habits, self sabotage more than I said yes to consuming toxicity. I created a routine that helped me be the person I wanted to be in the areas of my life: self, health, wealth, & relationships.
Doesn’t mean I was perfect, but it meant I fully believed in myself enough to grant GRACE & laughter for my humanness (aka when I fugged up 😂), & refuse to put myself on the clearance rack.
THINGS I MANIFESTED DOIN THE WORK:
💫For decades I lived in debt, during this Quarantine I made my last payment & paid off $43,000. Debts paid.
💫My health was shit, my digestion & adrenals a wreck — I finally got my health back & completed my most successful cut this past year.
💫I was basically living out of my office with 5$ in my account, barely having enough money for eggs, to having the apartment I always wanted.
💫I wanted freedom of schedule doing all the things I loved. I now have 4 different jobs in radiology as well as my coaching practice making my own schedule.
💫I wanted travel & to live in 2 different places. I traveled bw IN & MO, making them both home.
💫I’ve had a failed marriage, numerous failed relationships which broke me. I wanted a best friend & partner to live life with, one that is a life story not just a love story, one worthy of growth & future & feels like freedom & home. The Universe gave me a Marine 🇺🇸❤️ @_rottier_
💫 I’ve had car trouble for some time, transmission finally went out on my bug 🚘 I was devastated but knew I deserved better. Recently manifested the car of my dreams.
Meet Ruby 🙂
This has been a huge source of anxiety for me because my car is freedom & my freedom means everything. Which is something I struggle with & I’ll admit to you all. These are tough shadows to talk about & reveal.
It goes back to me being a prisoner in the majority of my abusive relationships in the past. I refuse to rely on other people to take care of me, I’m an overachiever, I don’t like to ask for help, I’m afraid of commitment because of my past experiences & it’s something I’m working on. I am independent & self-sufficient to a fault, causing me to put up a hard shell around my very soft center when fearful or threatened.
Thick skinned you could call it but I realize I come off as cold and heartless when this happens. When I reach a point of emotional exhaustion & frustration in a relationship, & I’ve said it before, I will cut a mf out of my life with no remorse & move on. (Friend, family, or romantic partner) Not proud of it. Again, with self-awareness comes the power of change. I’m working on it.
It affects every facet of my life & is one of my biggest fears.
My biggest fears: feeling insignificant, disrespected, unworthy, a failure, feeling like a prisoner whether it’s financially, relationally, or with my food & body image.
I’ve come to realize I have a problem with authority & I’m not always in the “right” for always doing what I want to do. I have constant discussions with my ego, Kathleen, as I like to call her. 😂
I get stuck in my own head & place so much pressure on myself to achieve & GSD to a degree it affects others & makes them feel inferior &/or insignificant. I apologize to anyone whom I’ve made feel this way through my ignorance.
In support, I told you before about a story where I had a performance review at work & my manager told me I needed to have more patience & empathy for other people‘s weaknesses. That was the first time I became self-aware of this shadow.
Kathleen is my masculine survivor. She is wolf.
Katie is my feminine caretaker. She is woman.
I know I need both of them. Finding the blend is the challenging part of being a human.
So a reminder to my fellow Type A’s, Ima get shit done 4x as fast as you, get out of my fuggin way I can do it better — props to being efficient but please be kind to those who are different than you. Utilize it as a strength to help others become better. Lesson learned.
If you don’t know what your Human Design is, I highly suggest you look into it. It’ll help you understand how you’re wired & how you’re supposed to live this life & manifest more effortlessly.
I also suggest @tobemagnetic Her courses on doing the inner work we all talk about changed my life.
So some Sunday pondering, reflection, life lessons learned the hard way for y’all.
Remember the KING or QUEEN you wanna be.
I’d rather be a woman of imperfections & wisdom living in a transparent glass house than an imposter living within guarded walls. 👑
I’d love to hear your thoughts & comments or if you’ve struggled with similar struggles like me🤗
And if you need someone to talk to & coach you through your own situation, I’d love to listen, link here❤️
Sister, 2 months ago I wouldn’t have thought one of the most important decisions of my week would be what sweatpants I’m wearing to the living room today?
I stumbled across a to do list as I flipped back through my daily planner…
…I welled with emotion.
It was so BUSY.
Photo credit: @doot_doodler
Busy with apts, shopping lists, workouts, work schedules, errands to run, consults, projects ideas, meetings, down to what color scrubs I needed to wear to make sure I went to the right hospitals.
Stress — on my body, mind, & spirit.
I felt ashamed to discover it. Time & life have changed so much. Forced to slow down. To long for that old life, the “normalcy.”
It was also a great reminder.
A reminder of how we’ve transformed busyness into beingness.
I’m different now. I long for pieces of that old “normalcy” but not the busy.
I loathe the word busy. I used it as a bullshit excuse & conversation filler for years. I catch myself doing it now.
I used it for not doing things I wanted to.
Travel. Vacation.
Spend time with friends & loved ones.
Invest in a new project, job, or venture.
Move.
Just fucking BE & do what I want to in a day.
Mostly out of fear of not having enough money or being seen as lazy. BUSY made me feel safe & worthy.
Same with control. If I control my body, my food, my workouts, my schedule — everything will be ok. Which in the past I’ve realized leads to disordered eating & body image & a poor relationship with food, myself, & exercise.
You place your worth on what you look like & how much you’re achieving.
Photo credit: @what.is.mental.illness
So when you’re not “busy” what initially happens?
You emotionally eat.
You doubt yourself.
You compare.
You get anxiety.
You lose your labels & sense of self.
Your relationships suffer.
Basically you step on the hot mess express full speed ahead.
Emotional eating is a biggie.
So here are some things to help you:
🌞 Stay occupied, halfway organize your day and do a brain dump the night before. That way you kind of know what to expect & can set a semischedule.
🌞 Jot down tentative eating times so you have something to stick to — expectations & commitments to yourself. And this way you can plan around your activities for the day.
🌞 Good activities that help pass the time positively:
-Cleaning house
-Purging old things from closets and spaces it makes way for new positive energy
-Take a nap, most of us don’t get enough sleep anyways
-Read — Knowledge + action is power
-Invest in a new learning course or workshop — be a forever student
-Color or pick up a creative hobby that keeps your mind and hands busy
-Go for a walk or do a mini workout for 20 minutes
-Call a friend
-Brain dump and schedule your week
-Listen to a podcast or write in your journal
-Go shopping, run errands, get out of the house
-Keep trigger foods out of the house if you know you can’t control yourself well around certain foods
– Eat a big breakfast with plenty of proteins and fats they will keep you fuller the majority of the day: things like eggs and sausage, eggs and bacon, burgers, roasts, it doesn’t have to be breakfast food
It’s ok to plan, but leave room for grace, flexibility & adventure.
Next time when I’m sitting in traffic, running late, I’ll reflect on the time of not having anywhere to run to. I’ll remember in the midst of confusion & suffocating stillness I grew strong, calm, & found a new appreciation of life & control.
