Health Coach | Speaker | Writer | Welcome to my digital diary! I'm here to help you blend life & fitness to find your health & happy! Thank you for being part of my family & allowing me to add value to your journey!
It took me over 3 decades to figure out my gut issues & relationship with food.
I know now I lived with a food addiction the majority of my life, I’m just a little over 1 yr on a carnivore, animal-based diet.
For those of you working on increasing your food after chronically dieting, it took me nearly 4 yrs to reverse to maintenance calories. Including a poor relationship with self & scarcity mindset.
Years of tweaking food, training, & daily habits to restore health, have patience, healing doesn’t happen overnight—you can do hard things!
A reminder, you shouldn’t be living in a constant calorie deficit, dieting more than 1-2x/yr, working out 7 d/wk, never sleeping, eating sugar free diet food to cut carbs/cals. It will catch up with you, trust me.
BIOFEEDBACK to check before dieting:
✅Period normal
✅Quality sleep & energy
✅Have eaten maintenance &/or surplus calories for an extended period of time
✅Lifestyle aligned, stress managed, mindset in a positive space
HELPFUL TIPS
**We want stress as low as possible. Caffeine, life stress, trigger food, cutting food, excessive fasting & HIIT training=all stressors**
✅Reduce caffeine, <200mg/d
✅Set calorie, protein, & step goals. Stay rigid during the week to allow flexibility on the weekend. Set controlled refeeds if needed.
She told me I really have no idea my purpose or where I fit in.
To anyone who has struggled with this question, I feel your emotions to my core.
Some of my painful realizations that may help you too:
👉🏻I love entrepreneurship but I’m a really shxtty number 1 person when it comes to running a business. I’m a GREAT connection maker & number 2!
Learned this coaching nutrition full time at one point & managing a sales territory for an online meal prep company.
I have gifts I’m naturally good at. Im a responder by nature, not an initiator. Great idea thinker. I’m phenomenal at reading people & the energy in a room — which makes me good at connecting with emotions.
I loathe being ‘salesy’ & feeling like I HAVE to make sales for my livelihood. I lose the love for it and build resentment.
The thought of cold calls make me CRINGE. I also HATE luke warm small talk. Give me a hot lead, give me something to respond to & I’ll close the deal 99% of the time.
Taking on a high volume of clients takes a huge toll on my energy. I had to learn to scale & balance my loves of healthcare & coaching to create a positive, abundant, & safe environment to cultivate a lifestyle I loved without losing my shxt.
I felt ashamed & embarrassed to own this for years. Felt it made me a “failure”
I enjoy working as a team & for other people. I need direction but enough freedom to not feel caged in. That’s the sweet spot where I thrive.
It hurts. It’s painful to go through these experiences, but let me remind you the roads less traveled lead you to some of the most important people & places you’re meant to be.
My 1st job ever was working on my family farm.
2nd was working as an animal science lab assistant at Purdue.
3rd was a vet tech.
4th was a well-paying job with a
pharmaceutical company.
—I hated it.
I made the decision my happiness was worth more than a paycheck.
Turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. I met my 2nd love — healthcare. My 1st will always & forever be agriculture.
Guess what?
Still dunno wtf I’m doin or where I’m goin. One thing is for dxmn sure my life is never boring😂
It’s OK to not know.
It’s NOT OK to settle for mediocrity.
Don’t be afraid to take risks & take the path less traveled.
They say pictures speak 1,000 words. I don’t agree with that statement.
If you were bullied, made fun of, or left out as a child, it might not surprise you to learn that research has shown how those experiences have long-term effects well into adulthood.
That certainly has been the case for me.
About 20% of students ages 12-18 experienced bullying nationwide according to Stopbullying.gov
Students ages 12–18 who reported being bullied said they thought those who bullied them:
Had the ability to influence other students’ perception of them (56%).
Had more social influence (50%).
Were physically stronger or larger (40%).
Had more money (31%).
Just because you slap a pretty picture of yourself on social media doesn’t mean you embody a confident person or even love the body you’re starin at.
And FYI, good health coaches, will make sure you’re not only healthy in body but also mind, because that mindset piece absolutely has to be in place first before you do any kind of dieting. If you’re looking for quality mentors, I have a wonderful network of fellow health coaches. Just message me💌
I believe actions speak even louder than a picture. I think this picture of me taken by my talented friend @matteuccij13@lensandlightphoto is 🔥
I’m proud.
But it doesn’t show all the hard work, emotions, & life behind the smirk.
Often times during the day when I’m triggered, my mind will wander & I will think about the ridicule my classmates put me through growing up.
I remember kids calling me lamb chop because I had big bangs, fat farmer girl because I grew up on a farm & to say the least was definitely ‘corn fed,’ & even those trying to console me with the, “If you would only lose weight you would be x, y, & z.”
I was told I was too big to be a cheerleader, I wasn’t fast or talented enough to be an athlete, I wasn’t pretty or thin enough to get a boyfriend. But I was smart. And I was kind.
For decades this baggage was the heaviest weight I carried through all my shapes & sizes.
Through therapy I learned how it affected my relationships & love life. I built walls so high around myself & guarded them with weapons of avoidant attachment, sarcasm & ambiguity.
As an adult, a person with an avoidant attachment style may experience the following:
avoiding emotional closeness in relationships
feeling as though their partners are being clingy when they simply want to get emotionally closer
withdrawing and coping with difficult situations alone
suppressing emotions
avoiding complaining, preferring to sulk or hint at what is wrong
suppressing negative memories
withdrawing, or tuning out, from unpleasant conversations or sights
fearing rejection
having a strong sense of independence
having feelings of high self-esteem while having a negative view of others
being overly focused on their own needs and comforts
My therapist told me I am REALLY GOOD at acting like I don’t give a fxck. So much so I somehow taught myself how to shut my emotion off & that’s why I was able to cut people out of my life with no remorse.
Ooooof. Fxck me, right?! 😆
Sound familiar?
Anyone else an avoidant like me? 🤚
Guys that liked me who were attractive, smart, & successful intimidated me whether I liked them or not because I felt I was still that fat girl & not successful enough to be worthy of a relationship with them. My therapist said I placed them in this box of the popular boys at school that used to make fun of me, which wasn’t fair to them or myself.
Same with successful women, too. I felt I wasn’t good enough to ‘sit at the cool kids table.”
(Outfit on left: @stitchfix And here’s $25 if you’d like to look like you have your shxt together too haha :)~
A light bulb went off in my head. She’s right. This all makes sense now.
So I decided to get to the root cause, & fix my shxt, frankly.
I talked to a few of them via social media & this is what they had say…
God love social media, it makes connecting so much easier.
There were a few who claimed they didn’t remember much about our school years, **cough, BULLSHXT** – others were eager to apologize & share their experiences & side of the story.
Come to find out often people are making fun of you because someone else is making fun of them. All goes back to hurt people hurt people.
I had one girl apologize numerous times & she said, “I am so sorry for putting you through that. I had a miserable home life, shxtty boyfriend & I chose to take it out on you. I’m sorry.”
We chatted for an hour. I forgave her & I really hope she was able to forgive herself.
I was shocked to learn that many of the “popular” girls we’re secretly unhappy & struggling due to their social status.
One stated she basically had an eating disorder her entire life & she didn’t feel any of her friends were “real” friends or boyfriends really liked her other than for what she looked like.
A few that were athletes stated as they got older they realized they had used their athletic abilities as a guard and facade to managing societal pressures. Said their worth hinged on their athletic ability, so when sports were over, they felt like they didn’t know who they were anymore. They struggled immensely for years feeling lost & shameful in adulthood.
One girl, who was like the prettiest girl at school, said she actually felt like an outcast with extreme pressure to always live up to somebody else’s expectations. Her mom was hard on her. She became so obsessed with always looking put together that she has anxiety still when she thinks about trying to put an outfit together.
As we continue to talk I realized I wasn’t always kind to others either. Gossiping wasn’t right. Making fun of someone else because they made fun of me wasn’t right. Refusing to talk to people because I thought they thought they were better than me wasn’t right.
I had one boy tell me years later that he always liked me but my silence made other people think that I thought I was better than them or stuck up when I had finally lost weight.
Which wasn’t the case at all it was my protection. If I didn’t say anything I wouldn’t give other people ammunition to ridicule.
So I developed a “strong silence.”
This turned into me also being an overachiever & loather of weakness & laziness. Resting is still hard for me.
I had a performance review when I was around 27 years old & my manager told me that I had a “strong silence” which others took as me being arrogant and I needed to be more understanding of other people‘s weaknesses.
To put it bluntly: “You’re resting bitch face & the fact you can do other people’s jobs better make them uncomfortable.” 😂
It was eye-opening & ego shattering at the same time. I had no idea that is how I was being perceived & it forced me to sit down & observe my past behaviors & who I truly wanted to be.
The open conversations, therapy, mistakes, and so many years of reflection have given me the opportunity to forgive others who tormented me and also forgive myself.
Remember things aren’t always as they seem. We’re in this life together. Words and actions are painful, choose wisely.
Above all nurture your relationship with self, even the dirty parts. Healing is the answer. A relentless pursuit of betterment is the answer.
I deactivated my Facebook this weekend. Finally pulled the trigger.
After the last year & a half of life changing stillness, loss, & uncertainty, I’ve been reflecting on my life, especially my career & authenticity.
It’s a whole hxll of a lot easier to look back & reflect only on the highlight reels, wanting to fast-forward or delete the painful moments.
I realized Facebook no longer brought me joy, I felt it was more of a negative distraction to fill the uncomfortable voids in my day.
Recently, I find myself pushing the pause again – pushing myself to take time to ask myself what REALLY aligns for ME at this very moment. It’s hard. I know, however, it’s absolutely necessary to grow.
The truth is, when I’m honest, not only did many fantastic opportunities in my life pass by or end prematurely because I felt I wasn’t good enough AND/OR I made a decision because I was placing someone else’s needs, feelings, & journey above my own.
Regardless of the circumstance, I would find valid reasons (excuses) why I needed to people please, or be the ‘Good Girl’, or the job or time or diet or workout or guy was/wasn’t right – yet I’d leave out the part about me not doubting myself.
Reflecting on these cycles, I realized I was choking on imposter syndrome.
Impostor syndrome refers to an internal experience of believing that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be.
Years ago, a Brooklyn based meal prep company hired me as their Midwest Nutrition Sales & Consulting Representative.
I knew jack about sales.
I knew people.
I knew how to care for people working in healthcare & radiology full time & coaching CrossFit & nutrition coaching as a side hustle.
I took that job & traveled for a whole year, learned a lot of life skills, made tons of connections, & also was scared shitless 99% of the time. My picture was even on the front page of their website.
Website Photo, Photo by Pamela Scott, Dreaming Willow Photography
I continuously told myself I wasn’t as good as the other reps. I made myself miserable. But I was really good at that ‘fake it till ya make it’ part. But it eats at you after time.
I was qualified, capable, and people loved me, but I wasn’t confident.
Have you ever felt like a complete fraud and that everyone was going to find out that you didn’t earn or deserving of your accomplishments?
Have you struggled with feeling like you don’t belong, don’t fit in?
Join the club. No one likes to talk about or admit it though.
So I started researching how to overcome my feelings. Reviewing Dr. Valerie Young’s research, she discovered specific imposter syndrome subgroups:
The Perfectionist – They have such high expectations for themselves that even small mistakes will make them feel like a failure.
The Superwoman/Superman – They put in longer hours, never take days off and must succeed in all aspects of life in order to prove they are the “real deal.”
The Natural Genius – They are used to things coming easily, so when something is too hard or they don’t master it on the first try, they feel shame and self-doubt.
The Soloist – They don’t like to ask for help, so when they do, they feel like a failure or a fraud.
The Expert – They continuously seek out additional certifications or training because they feel as though they will never know enough to be truly qualified.
I’d read through these and thought, dxmn, I fit into more than one of these.
Thank you, childhood trauma.
My parents set high expectations for me at a young age (I’m grateful they did tho).
I remember I got an 86%, my lowest grade ever, in Algebra, and I was devastated and thought my mom would hate me.
I graduated in the top of my class in high school, and on the Dean’s list in college at Purdue University, landed a huge internship at Eli Lilly my senior year of college too, yet for some reason, I still never felt good enough.
Today, it’s even harder. Social media has connected us all in ways I never thought possible. It’s a double edged sword I say. It’s wonderful to use for education, creativity, & connection but it also conjures a whole mess of negativity too.
I told you all before, I LOATHE the word ‘influencer.’ I feel it labels & places us in a shallow box of facades.
I’ve discussed with y’all how photoshop, & filters, & focusing on the highlight reels distort our feelings about ourselves, expectations of proper life timelines, public image, body image – the list goes on.
We place our worth and validation on likes & swipe rights.
So what do we do to overcome these faux feelings about ourselves? I though hard about this and came up with a few small steps that gave me solutions, comfort, & hope…
1.) Get Real Get Honest
When you feel like a fxck up, or unworthy, or you made a mistake, or you feel shame in some way – call yourself out & get real. You can only hide your feelings for so long, it’s just a Band-Aid.
2.) Emotions are Fleeting, Focus on Facts
We’re human, we change our minds and are emotional creatures. Write out the facts. Make a pros and cons list. You are qualified, capable, and worthy.
3.) Don’t Try to Fit In
Life would be boring if we were all the same.
Life would be boring if our lives always turned out as planned and perfect. You would never learn if you didn’t make mistakes. Your mess is your message. Be a trailblazer and own your shxt. Be kind always – to yourself and others. Seek first to understand before judging.
4.) Celebrate Every Win
Don’t downplay your accomplishments. No matter how small. Maybe you lost a couple lbs, maybe you got through your entire ‘To Do’ list, maybe you saved $100 this month, maybe you got a $2 raise, maybe you just got through the week and didn’t lose your shxt. High five sis, take’em all!
5.) Be The Person You Seek To Embody
I guess this is kind of like ‘fake it till you make it.’ All goes back to thoughts become things & you attract the vibe you put out.
“Watch your thoughts, they become words; Watch your words, they become actions; Watch your actions, they become habits; Watch your habits, they become character; Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
Embrace yourself, baby. You have permission to be a hot mess & hot shot at the same time.
Surround yourself by people who make you better, push you, love and support you through the highlight reels & REAL reels.
Remember these…
“Be yourself, an original is worth more than a copy.” – Unknown
and
“If you want to be original, be ready to be copied.” – Coco Chanel
They just rile me up. It means I have to choose something & release something else.
I realize now it gives me anxiety because I fear making the wrong choice & somehow that makes me a bad person. A failure. An imposter. Which are 2 of my worst fears.
How about guys? You feel this way too?
I feel if I make a ‘bad’ decision, I’m not achieving, I’m not people pleasing, & that makes me less worthy somehow.
I realized it was paralyzing me & there are no wrong decisions — only an experience.
That doesn’t make me a bad person that makes me human. I focused too much on the end product & not on the love of the journey & process.
This was applicable to my love life, my relationship with food & body image, career goals — you name it.
Also, let me remind you, nothing is irreversible. Picture the worst case outcome. Trust me, you’ll be fine.
Dr. Joe Dispenza preaches the POWER is in the present, becoming unattached to outcomes.
We can’t worry about the past, it doesn’t need us anymore. Learn the lessons.
Now, 2nd guessing.
This shows up in the smallest ways.
✅Ex: I choose the hamburger but 2nd guess myself when your wings come out.
✅Ex: I choose to go to CrossFit but Karen down the road went for a 5 mile run. Maybe I should’ve done that.
✅Ex: I chose Partner A because he feels comfortable & safe but I truly want Partner B but somehow don’t feel good enough for partner B.
✅Ex: I chose job 1 bc it gives me freedom. But I really need job 2 bc it’s stable yet I’m afraid of commitment.
Am I the biggest fxck up in the world because I did so? No.
So here’s what I want to reiterate, decisions are crossroads. You’re not less worthy because you make a decision that didn’t turn out.
You’re not indecisive or savage or weak or broken or stupid or whatever you tell yourself.
It’s simply your baggage being pulled out of your bag.
So sit yo 🍑on the floor & unpack your baggage — it’s not gonna unpack itself.
And I’ll be sittn on the floor, with a cocktail or coffee, unpacking my shxt with you. ❤️🥃☕️
One change that will massively impact every facet of your life — find your magic time.
Everyone has a time a day where they are 10x more effective at the GSD than the rest of the day. FIND IT.
Most successful people have a refined early morning routine, habits, & thus, successful SYSTEM that ensures optimization.
Every day is a new day to make a different decision. No regrets. Learn from past decisions & choose to not stay there.
The past doesn’t need you & the future hasn’t happened yet, it hinges on your present 🎁
“You are where you are because of your choices. There is nothing to gain by regretting. Review your decisions for lessons and make a new decision to change.” @realcraigballantyne
Heart wrenching conversation with a client yesterday I’m certain all of us have encountered & then realized how interconnected emotions & outcomes are.
She told me, she knows he doesn’t love her for her, but she keeps holding on which is affecting her weight & basically everything else in her life.
So I started off with this: Our job on this earth is not to have to sell or transform ourselves to earn someone’s love. It’s just to simply be loved for exactly who we are & we are to do the same.
Relationships & your worth are determined by your own definition, not society’s definition or timelines you think you need to be living.
I’ve said this before, I fully stand by it, people can choose to evolve with you or without you in any kind of relationship, romantic or platonic.
The people you surround yourself with, make you. They are a reflection of your values & integrity.
It’s OK to grow out of relationships. It’s OK if those people choose to part. It takes a BIG, evolved person to lovingly release someone you care deeply for.
You can’t build a relationship with a person you love for who you want them to be.
Honor your individuality.
Don’t be afraid to take chances on experiences if they feel right, don’t hoard shame if they didn’t work out the way you thought.
Be proud of yourself for choosing love, especially love for yourself. It’s the only relationship you’re going to have forever. If you’re not happy, you’re not going to make anyone else happy. The negative energy you put out if you don’t feel aligned will only further grow & bring more negative.
It’s pretty simple really. Give love away like there are no conditions attached, and this goes for letting it go too. By doing this we enable the alignment & flow that is supposed to happen in this life experience.
You can begin creating the life, body, & love you desire right now, even if you don’t have the pieces in place you think you need in order to start.
All it takes is acceptance, intention, effort, & LOVE.
