“You’re just too big to be a cheerleader, hon.” -cheerleading coach, middle school
“Pretty girls are in the front, you fit better in the back.” -a mom, childhood birthday party pictures
“Well, you’re just not polished enough.” -recruiter, job fair in college
“I’m sorry I cheated, I like you, it’s just, she was prettier.” -someone not even worth mentioning here
Naturally I’d be lying if a part of me didn’t want to tell these people of past chapters of my life they can suck it.
I’ll take the high road & use it to help y’all if you’ve ever struggled when someone has devalued you.
People will teach you how to love well by hurting you. They will teach you how to love yourself by not loving you back. Life will teach you evolution & growth through pain & stagnation.
Pay attention to the wisdom the Universe is trying to teach you. Gold is found sifting thru gravel & diamonds are created under pressure.
Hell, crispy airfryer #meatbars were discovered by me being late to work & literally throwing the shizzle my nizzle in the airfryer basket. Now we can’t live without them!
In my youth, I shouldn’t have taken these statements as a reflection of my worth, simply moved on, & not allowed a single encounter to take up so much energy in my heart & taint decades of my being with shame.
This world is made up of a plethora of different people with different priorities with different life situations all 50 shades of f*cked up.
You’re not alone, the difference is how you react to what life throws at you.
People who have broken my spirit have actually led me to having more empathy, more self worth & appreciation for who I am, & the desire to reach out to all of you because I have felt what a lack of human acknowledgment & compassion can do to a person.
Know that your feelings have a real place, & this life can be so much more beautiful & grander if we let love & optimism fully into our hearts.
The first time I set a “fitness goal, “I didn’t even know fitness goals were a thing. I just wanted to lose as much weight as possible.
I started out doing videos at home in my room. I swapped two and three portions of food at dinner for a salad and then walked a mile on the treadmill instead of sitting and watching TV.
I started working out and setting more intentional exercise goals in the 7th grade. I was the heaviest I’d ever been. I was 160lbs and barely 5 foot tall.
Kids were extremely cruel. They called me names. I will never forget the kids who were mean to me, their names, or the way they made me feel.
And I took that as a life lesson into my adulthood that I would be aware of how I made other people feel because the way other people made me feel made a huge impression on the trajectory of my life and perception of myself.
The imprint you make on other people’s lives is truly your legacy. It’s not the number in your bank account, what you look like, your size, achievements or how many titles you have before or after your name.
“To live in the hearts of those we love is to never die.”
Hazel Gaynor
I was 11 years old feeling trapped in an overweight, changing body I didn’t recognize or understand. All I wanted was to be accepted and loved.
As I spoke before my body image issues started at the age of 8 and I had already absorbed the message that being skinny was desirable, powerful even.
If I could just shrink myself down to the “right size”, I’d ace all my classes and win the hearts of all the boys and the popular girls would want to be friends with me.
Although more intentional exercise goals are a positive thing in the right dose, I noticed all I wanted to do was skip meals and exercise more.
My lunch used to be a handful of Ritz crackers and one small snack size cottage cheese container. Dessert, some sugar-free Jell-O.
In retrospect, at 40 years old, it’s something I can only guess was an attempt to exert control over my body, life, & other people in an attempt at “happiness.”
Throughout my school years, college and even when I married early at 22 years old, I struggled with my body image and self-confidence.
I skipped many social functions to exercise and avoid eating. With all my gut issues I didn’t know what to eat without causing some sort of flare up anyways. I resorted to diet pills and taking shots of cold medicine to make myself sleep so I wouldn’t eat.
I figured out when I binged, ice cream was the easiest to indulge because it was easy to throw up. I’d down 2-3 gallons of ice cream in one sitting.
I missed the beauty of exercise as a celebration of what my body could do & the simple love & joy it brought to my life.
I couldn’t see the ways I was hurting myself, pushing myself too hard, eating too little, and denying myself basic care, pleasures, and missing out on making memories with friends and family because of my addictions.
This pattern continued even into my early 30s, even after I shifted my focus away from being purely about aesthetics and losing weight towards performance goals like CrossFit, running, spartan races and lifting.
I knew I had the heart of an athlete and so much potential but why did I always feel like a total failure?
The answer arrived when I broke up with aesthetic or performance goal setting, at least in the way I’d been doing it.
I started focusing more on improving my health, especially my gut health which I struggled with my entire life.
I stopped trying to fit into a box and eat a certain diet because certain athletes ate that way or my favorite Instagram account ate that way.
I started looking at goals as destinations on the horizon, an invitation to do better because now I knew better.
Goals aren’t a finish line or a final destination. There’s simply an invitation.
I started choosing workouts because I loved doing them and they made me feel amazing whether it was running, bodybuilding, spartan races, or CrossFit.
I started eating food that made me feel amazing and I took the knowledge I had gained working as a nutritionist to make smarter adjustments and decisions with things like quality, quantity, macros and the types of foods I was eating.
We’ll talk about food & gut specifics later on in the book.
I’ve been meat based or ”carnivore” for almost 3 years. Outside of coffee & occasional social alcohol, my diet is 99% comprised of meat and eggs. I haven’t had a full blown Crohn’s flare since I started this way of eating.
And in the process of learning, experimenting, and authentically stepping into myself, my greatest fears since childhood, gaining weight and failure, fell away.
I got stronger, leaner, and healthier. I can confidently say at 40 years old I am the healthiest and happiest I’ve ever been.
This hasn’t been a linear journey, I’ll remind you it takes a long time.
Simply sit back and enjoy it. It’s taken over 10 years to build the physique you see today. It took me 4 years of intentional healing and doing things I didn’t want to do like eat more food and gain weight to gain my health back.
I tell everyone, especially my clients, any weight that you gain in the process of gaining back your HEALTH is weight you needed to gain.
And what I’ve learned throughout this process is that I can accept that sometimes I must get lost to find what I was looking for all along.
“Lost & found are from the same box. Remember this when you don’t know where you belong.”
Erin Van Vuren