Life reflections lately…2 years ago today I was at a bar crawl with this beautiful soul. Thank you Facebook memories 😆
I have a small circle of high value people & I prefer it that way. When I was younger, I thought if everyone didn’t like me &/or I didn’t have a huge friend circle that I must not be cool or hot enough to spend time with.
In my 20’s, I lied to myself with a plethora of “good” reasons to drink, & I thought that everyone would drink if they were dealing with problems like mine…
I drank because I was depressed & hated my body
I drank to cope with the trauma of Crohn’s disease, obesity, orthorexia, body dysmorphia, & bulimia
I drank because my marriage was misaligned
I drank because it made me feel confident & vibrant (numbing social anxiety & insecurity)
I drank because I felt life was “really hard” when I didn’t
Navigating the world in a marginalized body can be hard. Add trauma &/or mental sabotaging to that, & it makes sense that some of us might use substances to cope with the weight of living in a fog of scarcity & lies
A coping mechanism doesn’t have to be healthy to be valid; we’re all just doing the best we can with the tools & level of consciousness that we have.
I Had Lots of Reasons to Think I Didn’t Have a Problem
Despite the fact that I had been admitted to the hospital one time with a BAC of .346 & on a vent, a year later after that incident I started drinking again.
I had lots of reasons I told myself I wasn’t an alcoholic:
I didn’t drink every day or much on many occasions
I didn’t drink in the morning (unless I’d been up all night & was still drinking. That didn’t count)
I’d never had a DUI (but should have)
I didn’t drink alone. Even if I went to the bar alone, there were always people there, so that wasn’t technically “alone”
And then one day, I was fed up with giving something power over the magic of my life.
And someone said to me, “It’s not about how much you drink; it’s about what happens when you drink & how you feel when you don’t.”
Ooof.
With that one sentence, everything fell into place for me. I started to connect the dots about my behavior & it was like warm sunshine came thru my windows of life.
1. I Often Drank More Than I Planned
I often went out with the intention of having “a cocktail. No more than 2.” No matter what I told myself at the beginning of the night, it hard to just have a couple of drinks. I got a better handle of it in my late 30’s but would still wake up & feel less than even if I had 1.
2. My Drinking Interfered with My Life
Waking up hungover affected my work, productivity, energy, workouts, Crohn’s disease, weight gain, energy, mood, hunger, satiety, money, relationships — EVERYTHING.
3. I Routinely Did Things When I Was Under the Influence That I Wouldn’t Have Done Sober
I used to be the queen of drunk texting. I’d wake up & delete all my text messages before I couldn’t even read them because I didn’t even want to know. I slept around. In the morning, I never wanted to hear about what I’d done the night before. “Just don’t. tell. me!”
4. I Was Drinking to Fix How I Felt When I Was Sober
Drinking may have caused a lot of problems for me, but the real problem was how I felt when I was sober. When I was drunk, I was relaxed & confident. I wasn’t so insecure about my body. I was outgoing, I could talk to people, & I could go places without my empathy & clairsentience going into overdrive, especially in large crowds.
5. Drinking Controlled Where I Went, What I Did, & With Whom I Hung Out
I was way more likely to attend a function if I knew there would be booze. I could be friends with anyone as long as there was alcohol involved. I avoided hanging out with people who didn’t drink like me because they made me feel guilty. I’d take shots before going out to social functions to “chill out.”
6. I Kept Promising That I Would Stop, But Never Could
I tried to stop (or cut back) drinking many times in my 20’s & 30’s. My 40s haven’t been bad, but I still enjoyed drinking less & less the more I realized how it affected me & my spiritual awakening strengthened. Remember swearing off drinking many weekends?
I’m not writing this to say you’re wrong if you drink. And I would be lying if I said, I didn’t enjoy drinking. I love enjoying cocktails & enhancing experiences. But I had to come to terms & ask myself if I was really enhancing experiences when it did nothing to make me feel better or improve my life?
If you’re reading this & thinking, “Wow, this sounds a lot like me,” then hi! 👋 I’m so glad you’re here! Thank you for reading a chapter out of my diary of life!
Knowing that other people thought & acted like me was a huge step towards getting well. It meant that I wasn’t abnormal, I wasn’t broken, & there was a solution.
As a first step, I encourage you to do some reading. Read other stories & blogs written by people embracing sobriety & the sober curious life.
There are many wonderful venues out there now with alcohol free options, & mocktails, too. You’ll come to realize there are an abundance of life things to enjoy that do not have to include alcohol.
If you’ve read this far & relate to what’s written here, I want you to know that you are an incredible human!
Recognizing that you want to make a change is the beginning of a lifelong journey that can be incredibly difficult, but it’s one that you never have to take alone.
If no one has told you how strong you are yet today, let me be the first❤️🫶
Oxox Coach K
My name is Katie Kelly. I’m a multi modal travel clinician 🩺💀, nutritionist, high performance coach, & biz consultant specializing in human connection & process optimization with over 20 years experience. On social I’m better known as Coach K & I’m just like you!
More importantly, I want you to believe in yourself, your health, your business, your voice, & your ability to live your best life!
I’m known as the sweary, Indiana farmer’s daughter who went from a sick (Crohn’s Disease & bulimia), overweight (lost 60lbs via the carnivore diet & CrossFit), broke bish (was 50k+ in debt) to a thriving, self loving human here to inspire, educate, & mentor!
Welcome to my digital diary & wellness guide full of life lessons learned the hard way🫶
I post content about life/biz/self improvement anywhere from fat loss, therapy, disordered eating, Crohn’s, self love, entrepreneurship, healthcare, food, fitness, finance, & everything in between to a social media audience of 47K+!
Thank you for allowing me to add value to your lives! Grateful to have you part of my digital family ❤️