They say pictures speak 1,000 words. I don’t agree with that statement.
If you were bullied, made fun of, or left out as a child, it might not surprise you to learn that research has shown how those experiences have long-term effects well into adulthood.
That certainly has been the case for me.
About 20% of students ages 12-18 experienced bullying nationwide according to Stopbullying.gov
Students ages 12–18 who reported being bullied said they thought those who bullied them:
- Had the ability to influence other students’ perception of them (56%).
- Had more social influence (50%).
- Were physically stronger or larger (40%).
- Had more money (31%).
Just because you slap a pretty picture of yourself on social media doesn’t mean you embody a confident person or even love the body you’re starin at.
And FYI, good health coaches, will make sure you’re not only healthy in body but also mind, because that mindset piece absolutely has to be in place first before you do any kind of dieting. If you’re looking for quality mentors, I have a wonderful network of fellow health coaches. Just message me💌
I believe actions speak even louder than a picture. I think this picture of me taken by my talented friend @matteuccij13 @lensandlightphoto is 🔥
I’m proud.
But it doesn’t show all the hard work, emotions, & life behind the smirk.
Often times during the day when I’m triggered, my mind will wander & I will think about the ridicule my classmates put me through growing up.
I remember kids calling me lamb chop because I had big bangs, fat farmer girl because I grew up on a farm & to say the least was definitely ‘corn fed,’ & even those trying to console me with the, “If you would only lose weight you would be x, y, & z.”
I was told I was too big to be a cheerleader, I wasn’t fast or talented enough to be an athlete, I wasn’t pretty or thin enough to get a boyfriend. But I was smart. And I was kind.
For decades this baggage was the heaviest weight I carried through all my shapes & sizes.
Through therapy I learned how it affected my relationships & love life. I built walls so high around myself & guarded them with weapons of avoidant attachment, sarcasm & ambiguity.
As an adult, a person with an avoidant attachment style may experience the following:
- avoiding emotional closeness in relationships
- feeling as though their partners are being clingy when they simply want to get emotionally closer
- withdrawing and coping with difficult situations alone
- suppressing emotions
- avoiding complaining, preferring to sulk or hint at what is wrong
- suppressing negative memories
- withdrawing, or tuning out, from unpleasant conversations or sights
- fearing rejection
- having a strong sense of independence
- having feelings of high self-esteem while having a negative view of others
- being overly focused on their own needs and comforts
My therapist told me I am REALLY GOOD at acting like I don’t give a fxck. So much so I somehow taught myself how to shut my emotion off & that’s why I was able to cut people out of my life with no remorse.
Ooooof. Fxck me, right?! 😆
Sound familiar?
Anyone else an avoidant like me? 🤚
Guys that liked me who were attractive, smart, & successful intimidated me whether I liked them or not because I felt I was still that fat girl & not successful enough to be worthy of a relationship with them. My therapist said I placed them in this box of the popular boys at school that used to make fun of me, which wasn’t fair to them or myself.
Same with successful women, too. I felt I wasn’t good enough to ‘sit at the cool kids table.”
(Outfit on left: @stitchfix And here’s $25 if you’d like to look like you have your shxt together too haha :)~
A light bulb went off in my head. She’s right. This all makes sense now.
So I decided to get to the root cause, & fix my shxt, frankly.
I talked to a few of them via social media & this is what they had say…
God love social media, it makes connecting so much easier.
There were a few who claimed they didn’t remember much about our school years, **cough, BULLSHXT** – others were eager to apologize & share their experiences & side of the story.
Come to find out often people are making fun of you because someone else is making fun of them. All goes back to hurt people hurt people.
I had one girl apologize numerous times & she said, “I am so sorry for putting you through that. I had a miserable home life, shxtty boyfriend & I chose to take it out on you. I’m sorry.”
We chatted for an hour. I forgave her & I really hope she was able to forgive herself.
I was shocked to learn that many of the “popular” girls we’re secretly unhappy & struggling due to their social status.
One stated she basically had an eating disorder her entire life & she didn’t feel any of her friends were “real” friends or boyfriends really liked her other than for what she looked like.
A few that were athletes stated as they got older they realized they had used their athletic abilities as a guard and facade to managing societal pressures. Said their worth hinged on their athletic ability, so when sports were over, they felt like they didn’t know who they were anymore. They struggled immensely for years feeling lost & shameful in adulthood.
One girl, who was like the prettiest girl at school, said she actually felt like an outcast with extreme pressure to always live up to somebody else’s expectations. Her mom was hard on her. She became so obsessed with always looking put together that she has anxiety still when she thinks about trying to put an outfit together.
As we continue to talk I realized I wasn’t always kind to others either. Gossiping wasn’t right. Making fun of someone else because they made fun of me wasn’t right. Refusing to talk to people because I thought they thought they were better than me wasn’t right.
I had one boy tell me years later that he always liked me but my silence made other people think that I thought I was better than them or stuck up when I had finally lost weight.
Which wasn’t the case at all it was my protection. If I didn’t say anything I wouldn’t give other people ammunition to ridicule.
So I developed a “strong silence.”
This turned into me also being an overachiever & loather of weakness & laziness. Resting is still hard for me.
I had a performance review when I was around 27 years old & my manager told me that I had a “strong silence” which others took as me being arrogant and I needed to be more understanding of other people‘s weaknesses.
To put it bluntly: “You’re resting bitch face & the fact you can do other people’s jobs better make them uncomfortable.” 😂
It was eye-opening & ego shattering at the same time. I had no idea that is how I was being perceived & it forced me to sit down & observe my past behaviors & who I truly wanted to be.
The open conversations, therapy, mistakes, and so many years of reflection have given me the opportunity to forgive others who tormented me and also forgive myself.
Remember things aren’t always as they seem. We’re in this life together. Words and actions are painful, choose wisely.
Above all nurture your relationship with self, even the dirty parts. Healing is the answer. A relentless pursuit of betterment is the answer.
Perfection is not required. Effort is.
Oxox Coach K