Tag: avoidant attachment

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Therapy Confessions about dating & things that make me want to drink

Therapy confessions👉Things people ask me that make me laugh, want to drink🥃 & smoke a cigar😂(💁🏼‍♀️like I need a reason sip bourbon & smoke a cigar but whatever🙃)⁣

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Why are you single?⁣

Are you getting married again?⁣

Don’t you want kids?⁣

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Listen, I admittedly was a serial monogamist the majority of my life. I was the girl that always had a boyfriend. 

I had only dated & kissed 2 guys up until the age of 27. Don’t worry, I made up for it quickly after my 1st divorce😆why lie.⁣ They call it the “Hoe Phase” for y’all not familiar👀 

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I don’t think I ever really learned how to “date.” ⁣

I honestly had no idea WHAT I was doing.

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It’s like I just wanna hang with an awesome person, go adventuring & do cool sh*t with. One I love being around, that’s easy & down the road if it turns into something more, that’s the end goal🤷‍♀️ ⁣

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Had a follower ask what I thought she should do about dating & marriage…everyone laugh now😹 ⁣

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So we talked…⁣

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Don’t know if I’ll ever get married again, never say never. I know the people meant for me, find me. Hell I’m not even sure what the right answer is anymore nor do I care.⁣

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I feel relationships are whatever you choose to define them as, not what society tells you. I don’t feel you need a contract for happiness or validation.⁣

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By dating you do figure out what you don’t like so you know what you do like.⁣

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THINGS NOT TO DO:⁣

Don’t say yes to men or women who aren’t suitable for you, don’t ignore red flags just because you don’t want to be single. Don’t do things you don’t agree with just to keep a relationship going. Don’t dishonor your own values just so you aren’t lonely. Don’t lose yourself. Don’t lose faith in love.⁣

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One day, you’ll understand the price is too high to pay to lose yourself — the most important person in your life.⁣

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All of your painful experiences craft you into the impeccable person you are today. ⁣

And the right person will appreciate every part of you, your story & let you live life on your own terms.⁣

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The right person feels like freedom & home imo.⁣ You can’t read a book to tell you how to feel…

You can read all the books in the world but if you can’t read yourself you can’t efficiently execute anything.⁣

#shitmytherapistsaid 

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Has anyone else felt they read all the books but in honesty you realized you were a really sh*tty executor, too?😆👋⁣

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A painful truth brought up in therapy one time was the realization that when I felt anything or anyone was touching the walls of my freedom or made me feel “unsafe” or “wrong” — I’d run.⁣

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Confessions of a recovered avoidant🙋‍♀️ 

It was fear. I had a follower ask me today if I’ve ever been afraid of anything so much that I ran from it. Fxck me.🤦‍♀️ It forced me to painfully sit there & reflect.

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I realized thru experiences & relationships what I should’ve been asking myself during periods of discomfort was, “Is this relationship or experience making me want to up level into a better woman?”

I stayed in a LOT of situation-ships & cohabitations far longer than I should have because of fear.

I also RAN from a lot of potential relationships because of fear. Fear to be in a situation-ships or comfortably numb cohabitation again.

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I didn’t have the tools back then or self awareness to assess/navigate relationships & life experiences effectively.

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If you feel you have to appear a certain way to receive validation, respect, or love — you need to figure out what it is inside you that makes you want to change to be more accepted & worthy.⁣

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Look for the pebbles in your shoes, they may not be large stones but they will cut you after time.⁣

All right, hope my ramblings and therapy sessions helped you toO!

Love & hugs,

Coach “no longer in my hoe phase (thank the Lord 🙏😄)” K

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If you’ve ever been afraid to ask for help, maybe you need to read this

I’ve never been good at asking for help. Not in school, not from friends, not from the doctor, therapy, not from mom & dad, not from anyone really.

Always had that “figure this shxt out for yourself” mindset.

I know now this stemmed from fear of being judged – fear of being wrong, fear of being viewed as weak & stupid & not being able enough to take care of myself.

In my 1st marriage, I was not the breadwinner. I depended on him for numerous things. To put a roof over my head. More expensive items & investments. Paying for vacations & when we went out to eat.
And he provided, which I’m grateful. He’s a good man & I wish him the best to this day.

I didn’t have a lot of money. I was in debt. Still a hard worker but could just never get my head above water. I felt like a prisoner & hopeless & weak. I should’ve left years before I did for the both of us to thrive.

This fear of having to rely on someone else grew throughout my following relationships. I was the breadwinner for the majority of them. Fear of commitment & dependency turned me into the stereotypical emotionally & relationally avoidant.
You could imagine the pain of having to say I was a “dependent” when I married a US Marine.
Omg the sting.

😵‍💫

Growing up on a farm you’re raised to be strong, productive, resislient, & self-sufficient. There wasn’t always someone there to help you. You had to learn to figure things out for yourself.

Which I guess is why I do well in radiology, too. We have to think on our feet, outside of the box. We often times work alone, we have to move patients by ourselves, we have to learn to get images & diagnostic exams done for your doctors with as much precision as possible so we can help save peoples lives.

We are the eyes of your physicians. If we don’t do an exam correctly & efficiently, a diagnosis could be missed or misdiagnosed which changes the trajectory of your life. If we inject the wrong contrast or don’t follow proper protocol, we can kill you.

Talk about pressure right?! 

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 We’re not just monkey button pushers. 

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Xray school just exacerbated my issues with not asking for help. Stubborn. As. Hxll. I hated every moment of Xray school. You feel like you’re under constant scrutiny & criticism. It’s true, survival of the fittest & only the strongest survive 

😂

One of my favorite mentors, Dr. Stephen Cabral, sent an email yesterday about this very topic.
Him & his team helped me heal from SIBO & a bacterial overgrowth years ago. I learned much from them about proper functional nutrition.

This really hit home for me too…
You can apply it to any area of your life.

“If you encounter a forest & you know on the other side are your hopes & dreams, you’d want to get through the woods as fast as you can…

But most of us struggle, forever hacking through the bushes & branches, changing directions, getting lost, & wasting time…

While all along if we had just stopped before making the treacherous journey on our own & found a local guide that had traversed this forest thousands of times, that person could simply show us the paths they’ve cleared over the years.”

I don’t know if I needed to hear this, or someone else out there too, but it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I know I’m not the only one out there that has been conditioned to believe “figuring it out for yourself” is some badge of honor. Like I used to think not eating & beating the 

💩

 out of my body was too.

I’ve learned I NEED to ask for help & it’s ok. That’s what we’re here for to help support, learn, & grow together, united.

It doesn’t mean you’re weak, stupid, or incompetent. It means you’re smart because no one knows everything & you should never be the smartest one in the room or you’re in the wrong room.

This is the fastest & most guaranteed path to success. On every level: health, weight, relationships, career, finances, spirituality.

If I can ever help in anyway, I am honored to be your guide. This was way longer than I expected but obviously a message that needed to get out there.

Wish you all the best Monday & start to your week!

Oxox Coach K

Helpful links:

All info: https://linktr.ee/lil_bit_of_fit

IG: http://www.instagram.com/lil_bit_of_fit

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She told me she feels like she lost the spark and her relationship & this is what I said…

DM of the day, “I feel like I’ve lost the spark in my relationship. I dunno whether to stay, go, change myself or him. Maybe there’s a better one out there.”

I asked her, “Well how do you want to feel in your relationship?” — She didn’t know.

How bout we start there before we talk about anyone changing anyone else.

I’ll ask y’all something my mom asked me before, “Who do you want beside you on the beach when you’re old?”

I refer back to one of fav quotes, “Fall in love with someone who is both your safe place & your biggest adventure. — Bianca Sparacino

There is nothing about butterfly’s in that quote. And nothing about perfection. 

Because let me tell ya, in 38 years I’ve never once met a perfect man — or a perfect ME.

I’ve had a hard time letting people love me. 

I had a bad habit of pushing away healthy, stable love. And if I felt I was going to be hurt, or things got really f*cked up & hard, I’d emotionally distance & end things before I could get hurt.

I’ve learned letting someone love you doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re deciding you deserve to be loved.

To the recovering avoidant like myself, it’s hard. It feels icky sometimes & requires a shxt ton of courage & vulnerability I can’t even find the words for.

My idea of love has changed as I’ve aged. I used to view it as a noun — it’s a verb. 

It’s something you choose, it takes conscious effort & work. It’s not magic fairy dust & an endless buffet of ribs (but that’s would be nice sign me up btw 🤚)

A hard lesson I’ve learned is bad timing doesn’t always mean you stop trying or believing in love.

Maybe you just need slow down, adjust your sails & wait until things are maybe a lil slightly less fxcked. 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

The grass is greener where you water it. Don’t forget to water yours first. 

Oxox

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Lack of honesty in relationships — the actual “weight” you need to lose to gain

I was never prepared for half of the shxt I’ve gone through, but I got thru it.

During a client consult call yesterday, the conversation turned into more about her habits & relationships than macros or diet — which often is the “weight” we are carrying around.

Our relationships with other people, food, ourselves, exercise — weigh enormously on our overall health (mental &physical).

Laughter, sleep, nature, nourishing food, sun, friends, alone time — all the best medicines.

My client said she didn’t think she was meant to be in a relationship because they never seem to work out.

I asked her if she was being honest with herself, honest with her partners & really clear on what she wants (or lack of). 

She said she thought so. 

And I said, “That’s your answer, you don’t just think so — you gotta know.”

I explained people come into your life as mirrors & teachers & if you’re lucky enough, you find a human you align positively with & fancy incredibly well. But that was up to her & the energy she was putting out there.

She said she feels timing is always off.

Sometimes honest feelings & bad timing make the most painful combination.

Thinking you met the right person but at the wrong time. You want so badly for things to work out but there’s that nagging “ I don’t think this is right” ache that won’t go away. Usually ends in dragging things out or hiding feelings which lead to resentment.

A quote that hit me hard in the past: “Some people keep changing partners to avoid changing themselves.”

READ THAT AGAIN

You can insert food & exercise there as well.

I was like, fxck me. I have done this for years🤦🏼‍♀️

I broke relationships & friendships because speaking up & healing myself didn’t feel “safe.”

I’d cut people out with no remorse without explaining how I was feeling. Because navigating conflict felt like I either had to be the villain or the victim, & that made me weak.

Fears, attachment styles, self sabotaging habits, etc — don’t be afraid to dig your own dirt. This could be the very thing keeping you from losing weight, attracting success, finding love or keeping the one you have or had right in front of your eyes.

Lots of love y’all ❤️❤️❤️

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The One Thing You Need to Do To Attract Successful Relationships

I said, “Get a life.”⁣
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Had the pleasure of snuggling up with a green beverage & answering questions with a digital friend yesterday on St. Patrick’s day.⁣
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She said, “I just need to pick your brain about some relationship things I’m going through. I respect & appreciate your positive energy sprinkled with such blunt honesty.” ⁣
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I laughed 😄 ⁣
Best compliment I had all day.⁣
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My dad used to say I was a lot like a caged raccoon. They’re attracted to shiny things & look all cute & harmless, but as soon as you stick your fingers in the cage they bite’em off. ⁣
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Thanks Dad. ⁣
If you don’t come from the Midwest or the South you may not understand that metaphor. Lol 😂 ⁣
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I swear I don’t bite 😉⁣
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Anywhoodle…⁣
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She asked, “What’s the 1 piece of advice you would give to someone with codependency in every relationship they seem to have? Because that’s me. I feel I change for every relationship and rely on other people for my sense of happiness which in turn results in failed friendships & romantic relationships.”⁣
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I don’t know about y’all but I felt this woman’s question in my soul. That used to be me.⁣
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I wasn’t happy or felt any self worth unless I had a partner. I would let their energy affect my energy. I would change my interests, wants, & needs to suit their‘s. I would make their life, my life — to the point I felt my purpose was to simply serve them. ⁣
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If you don’t know what codependency means:⁣
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noun⁣

  1. excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.⁣
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    Apparently being in a relationship was an illness and an addiction. My Achilles’ heel per se.⁣
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    So I told her, “Get. A. Life.”⁣
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    You know why we struggle with relationships in today’s society? Because we don’t cultivate a self aware one with ourselves first. ⁣
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    Because we don’t connect our souls with one another anymore, we like to connect our social media accounts & swipe right. ⁣
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    We communicate with ambiguity. Vapid small talk just to fill silence. We ourselves don’t get clarity on what we really want. ⁣
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    It seems when we do fall in love, it’s only after considering if we’re settling or not, whether a person can give us the life we want & fulfill unrealistic desires. ⁣
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    We’re blinded by filters. We forget to date one another. We let passion & playfulness & adventure die. We don’t ask what the other needs to be seen, heard, loved, & supported. ⁣
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    We look for someone perfect to complete us while we already have the best possible one within us. ⁣
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    I’m just gonna say this, ‘singlehood’ has been vilified for way too long. I believe it’s actually the 1 thing people need to experience fully in order to cultivate more successful , meaningful relationships. ⁣
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    If you don’t build a home in yourself first & don’t even know who you are as your authentic self, how do you expect to get to know someone else on a deeper level & accept them as they are?⁣
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    It truly goes back to self love & self worth. You are seeking these things from other people. ⁣
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    High seekers do the same thing. Everything‘s great when it’s new & fun but as soon as the ‘real life’ mundane button is pushed, you become avoidant & seek new highs.⁣
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    Yup, calling myself out there too. Queen of the avoidants. Thanks to my therapist for pointing that out.⁣
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    Through therapy I learned how being made fun of as a kid affected my relationships & love life. I built walls so high around myself & guarded them with weapons of avoidant attachment, sarcasm & ambiguity. ⁣
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    My therapist told me I am REALLY GOOD at acting like I don’t give a fxck. So much so I somehow taught myself how to shut my emotion off & that’s why I was able to cut people out of my life with no remorse.⁣
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    Oooof. Fxck me, right?! 😆⁣
    Sound familiar? ⁣
    Anyone else an avoidant like me? 🤚 ⁣
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    Guys that liked me who were attractive, smart, & successful intimidated me whether I liked them or not because I felt I was still that fat girl & not successful enough to be worthy of a relationship with them. My therapist said I placed them in this box of the popular boys at school that used to make fun of me, which wasn’t fair to them or myself. ⁣
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    So I’d ‘settle’ for less than men, frankly, as she put it, “Not on on the same level as me.” I did this because subconsciously I knew I was smarter, more successful, and more in control.⁣
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    Same with successful women, too. I felt I wasn’t good enough to “sit at the cool kids table.”⁣
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    Oooof. Another fxck me.😫⁣
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    These are the things you need to hear. I understand it’s not what you want to hear. They’re dirty, & heavy, & gross.⁣
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    Find yourself. Date yourself. You have to be whole first. No one completes you or owns your relationship. A relationship is shared, it’s like a Google Drive. ⁣
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    What happens is you get into a relationship & lose your life slowly. That relationship then becomes your life, your world.⁣
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    Then when something goes wrong in that relationship, or there is conflict, your world comes crashing down because you’ve made that relationship your world.⁣
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    We share our life with our partner we don’t give our life to our partner & vice versa. It doesn’t mean to love LESS it means to love SO MUCH your wholeness, & your partners wholeness mean more individually so you can both be POWERFUL AF together.⁣
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    Find someone carrying their own bag. ⁣
    Find someone that is willing to sit on the floor beside you. Y’all can pack & unpack your bags together. ❤️⁣
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    I’ll be right there with you, with a cocktail or coffee, your choice 😉 ⁣
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    Oxox Coach K⁣