The Avoidant & Tips to Help Heal

I was asked yesterday by a follower 2 great questions: 1.) What was the best part of my day? & 2.) How I knew I was the #avoidant type & how I was learning to heal myself so I could be a good partner because she was struggling.

Girrrrrrrl sit down 😆🪑 

If only a CT scan could tell me what I needed to do to fix this brain🧠

So…

1.) Best part of my day: getting to FaceTime with @_rottier_  🇺🇸👉🏻🇯🇵 

2.) This is gonna be long. You’ve been warned. But I don’t wanna leave anything out. I’m going to repost these on my blog site (link in bio) so they’re easier to read.

I don’t think it was until this year I realized MY FAULTS in pushing people away that were trying really hard to love me.

I viewed it as being smothered. A breach of my boundaries. I’m an introvert by nature & value my privacy & alone time. 

There were definite differences, but a lot of it was just them wanting to be a part of my life & I was allowing myself to feel overwhelm, detachment, & fear of getting too “close” & having my heart broken. 

I don’t like depending on people or showing weakness.

When I finally started doing the inner work to attract the right kind of partner & life I wanted, I got what I asked for.

However, the Universe has a funny way of testing you to see where you’re weak & still need work.

Things I learned thru therapy:

➡️The avoidant attachment type shows up as independent & self reliant.

➡️They guard themselves when people get close, safety is not found in other people.

➡️They emotionally distance.

➡️Non committal, they feel overwhelmed & uneasy about healthy stable love.

➡️Difficulty trusting others & asking for help.

➡️Think too much & subconsciously sabotage relationships.

➡️Females tend to be more “masculine” in nature (Tom boy, strong independent, “rough around the edges”)

It was suggested to me to trial dating apps to sort thru emotions about a relationship. To help gain clarity on my true wants & needs.

They said if it feels icky or heavy or misaligned — um it is. 😆 And that’s exactly what I felt. Ew. 

I had no desire for the riff raff. Those were quickly disposed & deleted.

List to your gut. It’s never wrong.

Tips given to me for my avoidant attachment style:⁠⠀

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1. Allow others to do some things you would normally do yourself. Makes me uncomfortable af. But I’m learning it’s okay to rely on people.

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2. Slow down when experiencing overwhelm & stress. If you need a break, communicate it. Don’t hold it in until it becomes resentment.

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3.) Get real with yourself. Feel the feels & note how you want to FEEL in a relationship.

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4. Work on setting boundaries before reaching the point of pushing people away & emotionally distancing.

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5.) Work on identifying & communicating your thoughts & feelings. Don’t be afraid to cry. Learn to be more vulnerable in SAFE relationships.

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6.) Look for the positive qualities in yourself, others & your relationships. Remember that thing about thoughts become things & the grass is greener where you water it?

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7.) If you’re about to become “runaway bride” & wanna run or GTFO — time out. Make a pros & cons list. Consider the potential benefits of staying. Make sure it’s in alignment with you.

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8.) When you’re taking time to yourself, communicate more effectively & show appreciation for the other. Example: “I need space for myself so I can be my best self for you. I appreciate your patience & I care.”

I feel  the moment you get to the place where you feel at peace & at home with yourself is the moment before the relationship you always wanted shows up in your life.

It can a new one or maybe a new & improved one.

For me the healing of relationships & the world is always the healing of ourselves.

Are you a recovering avoidant like me?