I was asked yesterday by a follower 2 great questions: 1.) What was the best part of my day? & 2.) How I knew I was the #avoidant type & how I was learning to heal myself so I could be a good partner because she was struggling.
Girrrrrrrl sit down ššŖ
If only a CT scan could tell me what I needed to do to fix this brainš§
So…
1.) Best part of my day: getting to FaceTime with @_rottier_ šŗšøšš»šÆšµ
2.) This is gonna be long. Youāve been warned. But I donāt wanna leave anything out. Iām going to repost these on my blog site (link in bio) so theyāre easier to read.
I donāt think it was until this year I realized MY FAULTS in pushing people away that were trying really hard to love me.
I viewed it as being smothered. A breach of my boundaries. Iām an introvert by nature & value my privacy & alone time.
There were definite differences, but a lot of it was just them wanting to be a part of my life & I was allowing myself to feel overwhelm, detachment, & fear of getting too ācloseā & having my heart broken.
I donāt like depending on people or showing weakness.
When I finally started doing the inner work to attract the right kind of partner & life I wanted, I got what I asked for.
However, the Universe has a funny way of testing you to see where youāre weak & still need work.
Things I learned thru therapy:
ā”ļøThe avoidant attachment type shows up as independent & self reliant.
ā”ļøThey guard themselves when people get close, safety is not found in other people.
ā”ļøThey emotionally distance.
ā”ļøNon committal, they feel overwhelmed & uneasy about healthy stable love.
ā”ļøDifficulty trusting others & asking for help.
ā”ļøThink too much & subconsciously sabotage relationships.
ā”ļøFemales tend to be more āmasculineā in nature (Tom boy, strong independent, ārough around the edgesā)
It was suggested to me to trial dating apps to sort thru emotions about a relationship. To help gain clarity on my true wants & needs.
They said if it feels icky or heavy or misaligned ā um it is. š And thatās exactly what I felt. Ew.
I had no desire for the riff raff. Those were quickly disposed & deleted.
List to your gut. Itās never wrong.
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Tips given to me for my avoidant attachment style:ā ā
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1. Allow others to do some things you would normally do yourself. Makes me uncomfortable af. But Iām learning itās okay to rely on people.
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2. Slow down when experiencing overwhelm & stress. If you need a break, communicate it. Donāt hold it in until it becomes resentment.
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3.) Get real with yourself. Feel the feels & note how you want to FEEL in a relationship.
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4. Work on setting boundaries before reaching the point of pushing people away & emotionally distancing.
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5.) Work on identifying & communicating your thoughts & feelings. Donāt be afraid to cry. Learn to be more vulnerable in SAFE relationships.
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6.) Look for the positive qualities in yourself, others & your relationships. Remember that thing about thoughts become things & the grass is greener where you water it?
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7.) If youāre about to become ārunaway brideā & wanna run or GTFO ā time out. Make a pros & cons list. Consider the potential benefits of staying. Make sure itās in alignment with you.
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8.) When you’re taking time to yourself, communicate more effectively & show appreciation for the other. Example: āI need space for myself so I can be my best self for you. I appreciate your patience & I care.ā
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I feel the moment you get to the place where you feel at peace & at home with yourself is the moment before the relationship you always wanted shows up in your life.
It can a new one or maybe a new & improved one.
For me the healing of relationships & the world is always the healing of ourselves.
Are you a recovering avoidant like me?