My body shivered as I undressed & stepped on the scale.
I looked at the number. Shit.
But I’m different now. I’m better. I don’t read Anorexia blogs, starve myself, or equate my weight with my self-worth anymore. Yet, a tiny thought crosses my mind. “Just five more,” it whispers. “Imagine how powerful you’d feel. Maybe then you’d actually like yourself.”
Instead of glorifying shredded abs & single digit body fat, I’m speaking up. In a society that pressures us to look a certain way, I know others share my past struggle.
Yeah, they’re the parts of me I’m not proud of, but understanding them changed my life.
I used to believe that starving was an art, bare bones were beautiful, & I was an artist.
I’d try & mold my body to match the models on TV & in the magazines. I worked hard to paint the emptiness I felt inside.
When I was in 3rd grade, I got the honor of being ‘the fat kid.’ This event might not sound like a big deal to some, but to 8-year-old me, it was traumatic. Food became my enemy. My stomach hurt all the time, too. Later on in life to be diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. My poor relationships with food (specifically binging on carbs & sugar) & body image exacerbated.
At the beginning of 7th grade, we did weigh-ins. When it was my turn to stand on the scale, my health teacher made a frowny face at the numbers & pulled me aside. I was informed I was 160lbs & obese at 5ft tall.
My cheeks burned, & tears streamed from my eyes as I was lectured about exercising & eating less.
And by my senior year of high school, I was a mastermind of my craft. I learned how to eat just enough to keep me from binging or passing out.
Losing weight was like a drug — each time I stood on the scale, dopamine rushed into my brain, & I forgot all my problems.
Getting smaller also gave me a sense of power — & I loved it. I loved feeling “better” than everyone else because I was the ‘perfect’ anorexic & bulimic.
No matter how skinny I became, I couldn’t get rid of my problems. My weight yoyo’d over the years. I was fading away from my life; I was lonely, miserable, & sick. I burned bridges in relationships because of my constant irritability, fatigue, gut issues, & obsession with losing weight.
While I’d been chasing the ‘high’ & power, there were other feelings, a deeper longing, that I needed to acknowledge. Helplessness & self hate.
From my struggles came my strengths & my passion for helping others. My awesomeness comes from being myself — from writing, speaking my truth, & kindling the potential energy within me.
We are all artists; we’re sculptors & painters, creators of our dreams, poets of our memories. Let our hands mold our ambitions, not our appearances. Because it is there where we find our true power!
oxox Coach K
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Katie also has over 17 years experience as a Registered Radiologic Technologist, Nutritionist, Brand Growth & Sales Consultant. She works with people of all walks of life as a nutritionist & life coach to help them authentically optimize their lives to find health, wealth, & happy!
You can catch her via Instagram @lil_bit_of_fit & blog, Lilbitoffit.com