Author: katieokelly2

Posted on

8 things you should do everyday to change your life

I’ve said it before, your daily habits, everything you consume, & who you surround yourself dictate how your life turns out. I posted this quote on my instagram stories this mornin:

The first few hours of your day are the most important. The first thing I do after waking is give gratitude to the Universe for allowing me to live another day.

I give gratitude to every slice of heaven & cup of joy no matter how small or trivial they may seem. Things like a warm summer morning, my cat Pete happy to see that I’m up, my beloved cup of coffee, the opportunity to workout, health & simply moving my body, a safe place to live, etc. These are privileges not everyone has & we have people fighting for us & giving up their lives so that we may have these privileges & freedom. #America

You can either start your day with junk (negative social media, distracting apps, processed food, negative self talk) or you can start your day with nourishment (reading, gratitude, movement, journaling, brain dumping, positive connection).

Throwback baby! Ahhhhh the lessons we learn. With age comes wisdom.

Which one do you think will set your day up for success?

Today’s world is weird & challenging. It’s not like it was even 2 years ago.

Mark Manson nailed it too, “Cell phones are the new cigarettes.” We are a world of people seeking instant gratification, temporary fulfillment, & always lookin for the next fix.

None of us are immune, but some of us are more self aware.

If you don’t purposely carve time out every day to progress & improve, you will get lost in the black hole of our increasingly “busy” lives.

I love this quote by Professor Harold Hill, “You pile up enough tomorrow’s, & you’ll find you’re left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterday’s.”

My secret, it’s really quite simple: success habits👇🏻

1.) Wake Up

2.) Get in your Game Zone 

3.) Move

4.) Eat Right

5.) Get Ready

6.) Find your Inspiration

7.) Visualize your Perfect Day

8.) Do One Thing to Move You Forward

✅ WAKE UP

Guys you have to make sleep a nonnegotiable. (7+ hrs) Sleep is as important as food, water, & exercise. You can google all the benefits. This post & the rest of this blog is absolutely worthless if you don’t make sleep, self care, & recovery a priority.

✅GET IN YOUR GAME ZONE

Gratitude is everything. You must manage your mindset to facilitate clarity & abundance. It’s like your “Luck 🍀Fuel.” I don’t think I need to say it again but I will 😆 👉🏻thoughts become things! Gratitude has been called the mother of all virtues.

  • But first coffee…and brain dumping 🙂
  • Pete is always happy to see his momma! Grateful for this littler ornery companion of mine!

✅MOVE

The most successful people in this world exercise in the morning. It also has been found to generate inspiration & clarity, not to mention the physical benefits. You know we all out here wantin to look good naked. We are vain, holistic creatures. Look good, feel good, do good. If you don’t take care of your body, every other aspect of your life will suffer.

I make sure to sleep 6-8 solid hours, yes that requires going to bed super freaking early but my life depends on it. I workout at 5am before my 12hr shifts at work. No excuses. You are either a DOer or a DONTer.

✅EAT RIGHT

Focus on protein & healthy fats as the center of your meals. Whole, natural, nourishing foods over processed. You eat like a trashcan you become the trashcan. Eat ENOUGH food. Food is also a privilege, don’t make chasing a smaller version of yourself you hobby. Your body is a machine, you have to fuel a machine with the right fuel. Food is not a treat, a reward, or something you need to earn – it is literally what you are made of. I don’t know about you but I don’t wanna be full of shxt 🤷‍♀️😆

  • Meat I picked up from Meijer yesterday
  • Post workout breakfast
  • Crispy Airfryer Waygu Nuggies: Airfry. 380. 12 minutes

✅GET READY

Embody the person you want to be. If you want to be a successful, impactful person — present yourself as one. What you wear, what you consume, how you carry yourself — all matter. 

“Watch your thoughts, they become words; Watch your words, they become actions; Watch your actions, they become habits; Watch your habits, they become character; Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

✅FIND INSPIRATION

We’re all different, what inspires one may not inspire you. 

I read, “Ordinary people seek entertainment. Extraordinary people seek education and learning.”

Listen to podcasts, read, invest in events, masterminds, & coaches, watch YouTube‘s that make you want to be a better person. Seek people & portals that put you in the zone to perform at your highest.

✅VISUALIZE YOUR PERFECT DAY

You should be writing down your goals & intentions, no matter how small. To do lists & brain dumping are wonderful tools. You should also have a list of your core values which serve as a roadmap for all of your actions & decisions. Mine below.

Achieving your goals are inevitable if you follow a simple system & implement the right habits. Also goes back to thoughts become things. If you visualize and tell yourself everything is going wrong, you’re right.

✅ DO ONE THING TO MOVE FORWARD

I’ve had people say, “Well I’m just not as good as you so I can’t do x.” No, no one is better than the other some are more self-aware & more disciplined. I used to feel shame when people would tell me I was like a machine. I felt like a freak. Then I realized my will power & discipline are unwavering — that’s my superpower. They can be yours too. Will power is like a muscle. If you want it to grow, you have to execute. Do one thing that moves the needle forward every single day, whatever context you choose. It could be a body goal, a career goal, or a relationship goal. 

In closing, let me remind you, YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS! 👏🏼 

Like Nike, “Just Do It.”

Oxox Coach K

Posted on

Your Complete Fat Loss Guide!

The holy grail of all the fat loss knowledge bombs this girl has in her head for all you carnivores out there!⁣

⁣

Tap photo for full post and all the cheat sheets !!

I’ll create more guides for performance/muscle gain, hormone healing, & anything else I can think of later. Stay tuned!⁣

⁣

Save it, tag it, share with yo people! That’s how we all learn! ⁣

⁣

I’ve made plenty of mistakes throughout my journey, this is what I have learned & has worked for me but always remember we are all bioindividually different so experiment & play around – there is no one-size-fits-all in anything in life! ⁣

⁣

Remember we should be livin at our maintenance calories the majority of the time. We should not be dieting more than 1-2 x/year no longer than 12-16 weeks. ⁣

⁣

Also, I’m all about cashing in fun tickets & having social cocktails in moderation, but if you are serious about body fat loss goals AND being kind to your hormones, alcohol HAS to be minimized. It elevates estrogen levels, lowers testosterone, slows your metabolism, trashes your recovery, dehydrates you, & gunks up the livers detox pathways.⁣

⁣

The body also does not metabolize food well in the presence of alcohol. Alcohol is a toxin & the body’s primary responsibility is getting rid of the toxin, so it metabolizes alcohol first. That means all that extra food (energy) is more apt to be stored as body fat.⁣

⁣

So think about that when you’re smashing excess nachos, pizza, burgers, whatever — I don’t care if it’s Carnivore or not. Calories matter when it comes to body fat loss.⁣

⁣

I typically choose to either eat or drink I do not do both together, limit to 2-3 basic af drinks. I order a diet Coke & 1 shot of vodka. I moderate the liquor that goes into my drinks & mix it myself. Eat an hour or two before I go out. ⁣

⁣

Feel free to leave advice for your fellow dieter & I’d be glad to answer questions on the gram!

Posted on

Seeking truth & finding the answers

During therapy, she said, “I don’t feel you really have social anxiety & neither do you, I feel, & as self-aware as you are, you feel, you’re surrounded by the wrong people & always seeking truth. Why stay in circles you’ve grown out of? You already know the truth you’re seeking.”

Fxck me. She right. Does this every time.🙄🤔🤦🏼‍♀️😄

I keep it real with y’all. I don’t just post health & “fitnessey” stuff. Yes, y’all need to learn that content too, but the meat 🥩 (lol always makes me giggle 😆) of what you need work on is self healing, self love, self awareness, & bluntly put – owning your shxt. 

🔆The biggest pillars my clients & I work on.

That’s truly how you get what you want – the abundance, love, happiness, body we all dream of.

So, let me share some of my real life lessons that may just help you…

💡 The entire time you may think it’s you but what it really is is the people & environment you surround yourself is toxic & misaligned. Be choosy who you let in your circle.

💡 I will never go thru another stage of life depending on someone to take care of me, validate my worth, have to tell a man/friend/etc – how to treat me.

💡 I do not need to explain my beliefs, definitions, & choices on diet, relationships, religion, politics, or what I choose to do with my body.

💡 Never be embarrassed or ashamed of your current situation. Most people in this world are covering up the same situations with filters & fake smiles.

💡 Choose people who understand, don’t judge, & lovingly allow you to be yourself. Those people feel like sunshine, gravitate to the energy givers.

💡 Relationships truly meant for you should come easily & feel like freedom & home.  Any one you have to keep secret, force, chase, change or censor yourself – is most likely one that will end & teach you a hard lesson.

💡 The best decision I ever made was to promise myself I would have the hard conversations I didn’t want to have because those are the ones that matter. I decided hiding my words was hiding me, & they may just be the words someone else needs to here to change their life. Your message & voice matter.

How do you know you’ve found the truth to what you’re seeking?

You get to the point where you feel like your life depends on constantly research, studying, & seeking. When we’re in school, often times it does, our life trajectory depends on our studies. 

As we age I feel we more study & seek truth about life, our purpose, & who we are in general. We try to make sense of it all. I can tell you I’ve been doing this constantly my entire life.

So the question has been asked, “How do you know when you found the truth to what you’re seeking?”

👉🏻The way you know you’ve found the truth is the truth that you’re seeking is the residence of who you’ve become.

It feels like home. 

It’s easy.

It flows like water. 

You’ll hear me say be like water, you have to learn to flow like water throughout life. 

The problem is for many of us growing up we are taught the truths of all the other people & society. We’re told we have to blend & fit into all the truths. Which then feels heavy, puts many of us into a box or forces us to feel we have to slap a label on our diets, our relationships, & about who we are as humans. 

Like we have to fit in a file cabinet in exactly just the right spot or we’re tainted & to be thrown in the trash.

Blend with the loudest most powerful & most authentic truths. 

💡Ask yourself, “What if it does work out exactly how I imagined, or greater?” 

How bout we end on that note & entertain that thought?! 🌈 

High five if read all this 👋 

Peace love & meat 🥩 🔪 

Swag: @kincaidsmeatmarket @kincaidsmeatmarketfishers

Gimme your best life lessons, share with someone else below👇🏻 Love y’all ❤️

Oxox Coach K

Posted on

Stuck between young enough to do it often, old enough to do it right & old enough to know better, young enough not to care.

Stuck between young enough to do it often, old enough to do it right & old enough to know better, young enough not to care.

-mood.

Anyone else? 😆 

🚨 Warning another long one 🙂 ✍🏼 🚨 ⬇️ 

Had a fabulous evening at the @Indystatefair yesterday! Felt like a kid again & it brought back so many memories. (Photo dump & some 4H & #stockshowlife throwbacks 📸) full post on Instagram http://www.instagram.com/lil_bit_of_fit

The county & state fairs where the highlights of my summers! For those of you still getting to know me, I was raised on a beef cattle farm in small town, McCordsville, Indiana. 

Our Farm has been in the Kelly Family for over 160 years.  I was a 10 yr 4H member & President, 4 yr FFA member & president, & graduated with a bachelors in Science from @lifeatpurdue 

Another fun fact: I’m a @purduedgs alumna💖⚓️

Working with our show cattle was my life, my heart & I miss it❤️ It was also a lot of hard work.

Reflecting, you know what else was? 2020😆 

2020 was hard work, 2021 has been no different. It’s like we thought with a new year everything would magically be rainbows & sunshine, right?!  Ha. 🙄😑 

I feel the years 2018-today have been the most transformative (painful & pleasurable) years of my life, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually, & relationally.

Doesn’t matter what level of 50 shades of fxcked up, even in a global pandemic, I love having something to work towards.

Call it an obsession, whatever, kind of like the obsession I have with my airfryer & crisy #meatbars

Y’all are welcome🙃🥩♨️❤️

One thing I learned the last 2 yrs was that things can change in a heart beat! Relationally speaking, I went from being single, to a solid relationship, to single again, to married, to divorced (my 2nd).

This doesn’t trigger me anymore. I tell y’all this stuff about me because I want y’all out there who think people’s lives on the Internet are perfect because their pictures are “pretty” -they are not. 

I do not have my shi*t together nor do I know where I’m going. I know what I like & don’t like 🤷‍♀️  I just do the best I can just like you guys.

Some would be devastated by these so called “failures” or “flaws.” However, I choose to be a relentless optimist, I am SO GRATEFUL for every sweet & sour drop of experience I gained thru these chapters of my life.

No ragrets , no what if’s🙏 Not one bit.

I believe in divine timing, that I deserve everything I desire, & the Universe will bring me that – OR BETTER. (That “or better”part 👉🏻 is important. Setting intentions I always add that to the end of my statements.)

It is important to begin with thinking how I want to FEEL in 12 months time to move the needle forward.

I started by writing a long list of all the descriptive words that resonated with me. Words such as authentic, healthy, successful, wealthy, luscious, thriving, vibrant, loving, grateful, loved, significant, creative, satisfied, joyful. 

I kept thinking until I decided on the word, NOURISHED.

Immediately I knew that was how I wanted to feel.

Nourishment is usually associated with food however I want to apply that feeling to all parts of my life.

By focusing on how I want to FEEL, it reminds me what I could influence regardless of what was happening in the world❤️

Have you set any goals? Or are you just seeing how the year pans out?

As always I would love to hear your thoughts & I appreciate y’all reading the ramblings of @lil_bit_of_fit 💕

Peace, love, & 🥩 

Oxox Coach K

Posted on

Carnivore Maintenance Calories & Macros for Women Who Prefer Higher Protein

Big question from yesterday: What would my general maintenance calories be & protein & fat macros for carnivore if I prefer higher protein?

These are simple calculations & general ranges for you guys to use. This doesn’t mean you have to eat these exact calories or macros. Needs will be different for everyone but this will get you close.

A refresher on what maintenance means. **Macros will vary with training/goals/personal history, etc.

The maintenance period is when we are eating enough calories to support our activities, energy expenditure & MAINTAINING our weight. Not to lose weight/fat. Not to gain.

Being in a cut adds more stress on our bodies and generally, we shouldn’t be living in those phases for more than 12-16 weeks & not dieting more than 1-2x/year.

The different ways our bodies burn calories:

1️⃣ BMR/RMR (basal/resting metabolic rate)

The amount of calories we need just to exist.

2️⃣ TEF (thermic effect of food)

Our bodies burn calories by eating & digesting our food. We burn about 10% of our total food intake cals here.

3️⃣ NEAT (non-exercise activity thermogenesis)

Our everyday activity like walking/taking, cleaning house, etc. These burn more calories than you think which is why we suggest moving & getting 10k steps/d.

4️⃣ Exercise

The calories you burn while you workout.

I love using the TDEE calculator ( https://tdeecalculator.net  ) for a good place to start, but finding a coach is the best way to make sure you tackle any imbalances or metabolic issues from the past & build a solid foundation.

Tag, share, & save for future use on Instagram!

Remember, you can’t live a BIG, FULL life on an empty tank!

If you don’t know where to begin, simply fill out an inquiry here and will hop on the phone and talk about it! https://forms.gle/tqjsEmeYPDRs4zYo6

Oxox 

Posted on

Loving your journey. Beauty and Fitness come in all shapes and sizes.

I saw a woman running yesterday. She was red faced, sweating, & workin it! #transformationtuesday

I talk about avoiding labels for a reason. When most people think of a runner, or weightlifter, or whatever “athlete” you choose, you automatically think of a specific body type right?

Someone long, lean, & muscular.

This woman didn’t fit that description at all. 

I loathe the word “fat”, because in my opinion,

  1. Rude.
  2. It’s a label & stereotypes someone as being unfit or unhealthy when that may not be the case at all. You don’t know their story.

I find all bodies beautiful, especially voluptuous ones. I smile whenever I see someone working out, especially young kids, the elderly, and someone who doesn’t fit the stereo typical profile of an “avid exerciser” & it motivates me. 

I’ve shared my journey with y’all many times. I’ve told you that in high school I was told I was too big to be a cheerleader or an athlete. Truly I couldn’t even run around a track once without seeing stars & wanting to pass out. Before CrossFit I had never touched a barbell nor could I do one pull up to save my life.

Fitness, running, health, weight lifting, & fat loss were not things I was genetically gifted or came easily or naturally to me.

It’s something I still have to continue to work at. The difference is I have made it a part of who I am, I choose consistency over excuses, & I’ve learned to love my journey & all the seasons, shapes, sizes, & puzzle pieces that come with.

So a reminder & message  to you, that it abso-f*ckin-lutely doesn’t matter how much you weigh, how small or big you are, what diet you choose, whether you eat meat or not, what your story is/has been — fitness & health don’t have a size or requirement.

It all starts with a choice to be your best self.

I’m motivated by anyone who gets up & moves. It doesn’t matter their skill & it sure as sh*t doesn’t matter their size.

I’m most inspired by those who are just starting out in their fitness journey because I know exactly what it’s like to start from scratch & have no fuggin idea what you’re doin or worried about what people think of you.

I’m not the fastest runner, I’m not the fittest or strongest person, I have cellulite & stretch marks on my thighs, BUT I am strong, I am dedicated, & I love this body that keeps me alive.

So to the woman I saw running, thank you. You’ve inspired me & millions of other humans in the world in more ways than one. 

Because you are the human that chooses to be better & proves beauty & fitness comes in all shapes & sizes.

Oxox Coach K

Posted on

New chapter, scared shitless, boss moves & leveling up…

Here’s to closing another chapter & 39 years with nothing figured out yet 😆🥂

Tomorrow is the last day in the apartment I scared myself sh*tless moving into. 

I drained my bank account to $5 to move in & this home quickly became the one I’ve grown the most in…

I didn’t know how I was going to make rent but I was done living less than I deserve.

2.5 yrs later…

I worked my azz off. I move tomorrow just down the street. I payed 3 grand to get moved in this time & didn’t bat an eye.

I still have a lot of growing & learning to do. 

I still have so many goals & life experiences I want to achieve & savor.

Some things will probably never change…

I still shower with a shower cap. Not washing my hair is a sport I have mastered.

⁣

Pete 🐈‍⬛ 🚿 will still sit on the side of the tub in between the curtains.

I will still yell at him every day for throwing up all over the place.

I will still smile every time I walk thru the door to him standing there & walking down the hall to find he’s opened half of my cabinets.🤦🏼‍♀️🚪 

My place will still smell like freshly cooked meat in the airfryer & @scentsy mystery man. Meat & men’s cologne, yum 😋😂

I’ll still lay my clothes out for the next day.

I’ll still be an early bird like my dad.

I’ll still get my best ideas when I’m drunk, working out, coloring, fishin, or in the shower. 

I’ll still hate wearing underwear & love living bralettes.

I’ll still change my mind all the time. 

I’ll still be a more introverted extrovert.

I’ll still be obsessed with @morganwallen @nelly @postmalone @saintjhn & @thegr8khalid

⁣I’ll still be rough enough around the edges to keep things interesting but polished enough to get the job done when I have to😉 

I’m not afraid to admit there are a lot of things I still have not mastered nor do I know exactly what I’m doing or where I’m going…

…but I know & trust I always end up where I’m meant to be.

Change is hard. Closure is hard. New beginnings are scary & EXCITING at the same time.⁣

⁣

So if you’re struggling right now, know this, I too have been that human who:⁣

◽️chose the cheapest apartment living paycheck to paycheck⁣

◽️divorced twice & wondering if there is something wrong with her

◽️had her car repoed, $40,000+ in debt, $5 to her name, basically living out of her office & car, eating at hotels to save money on food⁣

◽️is sick, struggling with Crohns, disordered eating & orthorexia feeling powerless & ugly ⁣

▫️is comparing, wanting to be someone else, coveting their life &/or body thinking that would make her happy⁣

◽️sees “single” as a dirty word & feels the  need to settle instead of realizing she needed to be the person she wanted to be with first ⁣

▫️insert whatever ya want here _____.

⁣

MOOD: boss moves & leveling up ✌️

I’m proud as hxll of this almost 40 somethin self.

Hi five to all my brothers & sisters out there jus tryna to be the best versions of themselves, scared sh*tless too! You got this. #mindsetmonday 

Posted on

Not everyone wants to get better and that’s OK. How to love yourself and love the people in your life well…

This morning I read a post by @the.holistic.psychologist that said, “Not everyone wants to get better + & that’s ok. Some people have an identity tied to sickness. Others fear true wellness because it is the unknown + the unknown is unpredictable.”

Ooof. Felt that one in my soul. How about you?

A quote I live by, “At the end of our life, our questions are very simple: Did I live fully? Did I love well?” – Jack Kornfield

Maaaaaaaan have I loved 😆 

Have I always loved well, however? No.

I’ve worked in healthcare for 16 years, a health coach for 6, had I can’t even count how many “failed” (I put this in quotes because it’s only a failure if you failed to learn the lessons 😉) romantic relationships & fizzed out friendships where this statement was applicable at some point.

A big lesson I learned, you can’t fully support &/or love a person for where you want them to be — you have to meet them where they are now.

No matter what type of relationship we’re talkin about. You can’t discount yourself based upon someone else’s potential. You only have the experience right now.

I don’t care if you’re a coach, doctor, married, divorced, partnered, a friend or family relationship — you can’t wish someone well, they HAVE to do the work & want to do/get better. 

I braindumped.

What can I teach you guys today that I wished I had known decades ago? And I’m still learning right along with y’all…

Here goes…

How to Love Yourself AND Love the People in Your Life:

1.) Always be honest no matter how bad it hurts.

2.) The true mark of expansion, self love, peace, & evolvement is recognizing someone else’s happiness is your happiness even if that means making a hard decision & lovingly letting them go.

3.) Tell people how brilliant & able they are. Sometimes they don’t see it for themselves. Kindness is always cool. Remember the Golden Rule✨

4.) It is possible to love someone but not be in love with them. You determine what kind of relationship you want, be HONEST.

5.) Be authentic. Give others the gift of the real you & a real relationship. Don’t people please + change yourself for any kind of relationship. It will always come back & bite you in the a$$.

6.) Listen more than you talk. People want to be seen, heard, loved, supported, & appreciated. And remember, the most interesting person in the room is the person who is the most interested. Ask questions.

7.) Be giving, but never sacrifice or compromise your integrity or authenticity. Boundaries change lives for the better. Strengthen yours.

8.) Always live by your values. Thoughts become things. What you focus on, you attract. Your habits & people you surround yourself make you. Choose wisely. 

I’ve been re-reading the book, The Vortex. Incredible life changing gems in this one. I’ll highlight a few:

— You can get to where you want to be from whereever you are — but you must stop spending so much time noticing & talking about what you do not like about where you are. 

— Be a more selective sifter, and make a list of the positive things you are living & the qualities of people you love to surround yourself with. 

— Look forward to where you want to be & spend no time complaining about where you are. The responsive Universe makes no distinction between the thoughts you think about your current reality & what you think as you dream of your improved life. You are creating by virtue of what you are thinking about.

— Your sense of who you really are pulses so powerfully within you that you must always continue to reach for satisfying relationships, because you understand, at very deep levels, the potential for joy contained in relationships with others. 

— Once you decide that your happiness depends on the intentions, beliefs, or behaviors of no other, but only upon your own alignment — over which you have complete control — then your relationships will not only no longer be uncomfortable, but they will be deeply satisfying. 

Now, put these gems 💎 in your front pocket & go out & LOVE somebody today, especially YOURSELF!

Oxox Coach K

Posted on

There’s a difference between being alone and lonely, it’s your choice

Had a follower ask how I stay so happy & positive being alone. Because being alone is something she struggles with.

I felt her emotions to my core, for I used to be the girl always in a relationship, one right after the other.

I responded with, “Well there’s a difference between being alone & being lonely. Just because you’re alone doesn’t mean you have to choose to be lonely. 

For example, I met new friends this weekend at the pool. 

It’s amazing how the right people come into your life when you choose to do things by yourself with an open heart & an open mind. 

We talked about this very subject. One gentleman, also single & vintage like myself 😄, stated this very thing. He was definitely an extrovert, vibrant personality, & stated the majority of his married friends envy his single life & are unhappy in their marriages.

I’ve observed similar experiences. Like I’ve said before, I believe the most creative couples who define their own relationships openly are the happiest.

I’ve observed some monogamous, some in open relationships, some polyamorous, different sexual preferences, didn’t matter – “happiness” & “fulfillment” in those relationships came down to common denominators: those people having self-love within themselves, being able to evolve together, & open communication.

I told this particular follower, I didn’t know everything — I don’t & I’m still learning just like her & everybody else out there.

I said I can’t say when you’ll get love or how you’ll find it or even promise that it will happen. I can only tell you, & you have to believe this yourself, you are worthy of it. 

It’s never too much to ask for & you’re not crazy to fear you’ll never have it again, we’re human. I will tell you your fears are probably wrong, though.

Love is like the most nourishing & essential nutrient of life. Without it life has a little meaning. And this could be love for yourself, love for a greater purpose, or love for another. 

It is the most important thing we have to give freely & the most valuable thing we can be receive.

You can have love without being in a contractual relationship or “relationship” that society deems the norm. You have to Believe you are deserving & open yourself up to receive love in whatever version or person or people the Universe & God give you. 

You don’t have to & shouldn’t settle for anything that is less than. And you shouldn’t have to abandon yourself for said love.

Looking back, I always thought I was the sole problem in my past relationships. I was too deep, emotional. Maybe too needy. My personality was too big. I was simply too much. 

And I did display unhealthy behaviors, trauma, & actions in past relationships, I own that. I have worked diligently doing my own work & in therapy to learn how to develop healthy patterns, beliefs, self-love, & grace, a WHOLE LOTTA grace when old behaviors want to come back. You have to learn to let them go. 

Our job is to not settle for love or a life that is lackluster, abusive, emotionally damaging, or vanilla. Equally important we cannot settle for that kind of love from ourselves. 🤍

Oxox Coach K

Posted on

“Single” isn’t a dirty word.

I will be 39 on Friday & I’m single.

Pull up a chair this is gonna be a long one. 

Had a DM this mornin that made me chuckle, he asked, “How in tarnation (I appreciate the word usage of tarnation btw 😄) are you single? You poor thing.”

This is something that has been nagging at me to be talked about. I know I am not the only one out here in a similar situation.

If I had a fxcking dollar for every time I had someone ask me this or “I just can’t believe you’re single” & then stare at me with that look somewhere between pity & “there must be something wrong with you” …😂

To all my fellow singles, especially my more seasoned or “vintage” comrades as I like to say, I know – you KNOW.

I wanna reply with, “Well, apparently I make a really good fxckin ex-wife, & if you really wanna unpack my bag, I’ve been divorced twice & my last marriage lasted about 6 months & I almost moved to Japan.”

💁🏼‍♀️Pretty sure that would shut them up.🤣

 I regret nothing & my past relationship experiences have made me who I am & I love every single person I have been blessed to have been part of their lives & in a relationship with. 

My most recent divorce, was handled with maturity, love, respect, & was more conscious uncoupling than the typical, divorce.

I had people reach out, & I appreciate y’all‘s thoughts, but you guys were thinkin that I was devastated & destroyed like a fragile flower. Yes it was hard, any “divorce” is, but y’all, it’s gonna take more than that to shatter this girl.

I’ve had cattle beat the shxt out of me worse than that. I’m so grateful to have such wonderful loving people in my life both digital & “real” life.

I realize I am one of the fortunate ones with no negative “baggage” with exes.

 Why is it that we have to put such a negative connotation with, “single” like it’s a bad thing?

Being single used to give me anxiety as my younger self as I used to see being partnered as having more worth & being more desirable. Thought I had to be married & then had to have kids to be seen as successful.

Now as my almost 39 self I know that’s not the case, I see it as a blessing, a privilege, & like to refer to myself as being “self partnered.” 

I have a healthy relationship now with myself & because of everything I’ve experienced & spending time being single I feel now I can be a much better partner to someone else.

We learn & grow through the contrast in our experiences. That’s how we learn where we need to change & what we truly like & desire.

Doesn’t mean I don’t LOVE & desire having someone to live life with, but I feel I can live life with whomever I choose whenever I want & I don’t have to put a label on anything to justify & validify the experience – I can choose to be happy & have what I want right now without the anxiety & contractual nature of societal expectations & “norms.”

In my experience, “creative couples” are the happiest, & those couples can be married or not. The common denominators are they choose the definition, rules or lack of, & context of their relationship. 

They also evolve together AND as separate people. You are still 2 separate people but should be better together. The “right” relationships, in my opinion, should feel like freedom, adventure, & home.

I made a promise to myself to never put someone in a box where they feel trapped to not be themselves in the fullest most authentic form. Because I would not want someone to do that to me again as I’ve had done in the past. 

You should never feel like you have to get married or put a label on anything because that is what is expected of you. That’s why so many marriages end. You don’t have to be married to be happy. 

Just a tip from someone who’s been there on both ends of the spectrum, this is a conversation you need to have with your other half because it is a dealbreaker, same with talks of children. 

So all of you young 20 somethings & even some young 30 somethings that are getting married right now, here are some things to think about.

All your shxt needs to be laid out on the table no matter how painful it is or how fearful you are of being judged. And if you are seeking attention from someone else other than your significant other & your significant other is not open minded to being in an open kind of relationship — that is a red flag that you probably need to put on the brakes.

There are needs not being met & some things you most likely need to work out with yourself. And that’s totally OK.

That is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I have been that person, it doesn’t make you a piece of shxt, it makes you human. 

And to me the most attractive humans are the flawed ones that can own their shxt & be honest.

It’s OK to be what I refer to as “single at heart.” I feel that means if I had to describe it as people who will find their greatest fulfillment & meaning without a romantic partner. 

The touchstone for people who are single at heart is authenticity. This can mean things like traveling, finding hobbies & your purpose that light you up, career aspirations, artistic creation — all these things can bring the passion of a romantic relationship. 

Refrain your way of thinking.

Stop romanticizing about past & future relationships, I know it’s tempting to think that all of your problems will be solved once you meet your prince or princess but you might just be missing out on potential experiences that are right in front of you.

Take the more negative experiences as stepping stones to more confidently know what you do want. Whether it’s a bad date or you called off an engagement because you weren’t ready, or another divorce — who the hxll cares. All just experiences.

Alfred Lord Tennyson, “’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

Fortune favors the Bold😉 

Just LOVE.

Oxox Coach K