There hasn’t been a day of my life where I haven’t needed to read a quote, a poem, an affirmation, a book, or beautiful words from a talented creator to express how I feel, give me a hug, punch me in the gut, break my heart, or put it back together.
You know what I mean?
I told a friend one time I understood the feeling of that hopeless pit. I said, “I hope you find love, but most importantly, I hope you love yourself more to be strong enough to walk away from what love isn’t & find peace in the realization that you are already love.”
In my 20s/early 30s I made plenty of bad decisions after my 1st divorce at 27.
Plenty of fast & furious acquaintances, some more longer-term, they all aided in growth (some more enjoyable than others 😂)
Hxll, let’s be honest, some I don’t even remember. It’s like that person you put in your phone as “Joe Bumble” or “Dude from Texas” 😆📲
I talked about this in therapy. My therapist said it’s because when I was younger I didn’t believe I was worthy of love I desired.
Which is why I picked men that were not on my level, & to be frank, EASY for me. 🤦🏼♀️fxck me, she’s right.
She said now I’m “selective & guarded”because I’m actually afraid I might find someone & be forced to choose between my happiness & freedom of autonomy & that person. I’m afraid to make the same mistakes like being a people pleaser & losing myself.
Today was an absolute sh*t show at work. One of those days the ER is completely full all day, like a waterfall that never stops. Don’t get me wrong, I love busy days. I love the rush. It’s an addiction & a high for me.
Like working.
I know it’s an addiction. I love working to the point of exhaustion, same with physical labor.
💁🏼♀️I’m a special kind of crazy, I know.
And I realized this week I use it partly as a shield. It’s really hard for me to get truly close to someone, to crack open & completely expose myself emotionally.
I know I don’t NEED anyone. I love myself & my life so much it’s kind of embarrassing.
Not in a narcissistic way but I have so much appreciation for the woman writing these words today compared to the woman 5 years, 10 years, 20 years ago.
I can bleed my heart via words with y’all & I’m not ashamed to talk about heartache or things I really just am not good at.
My last marriage ripped me to shreds. I hadn’t taken a chance & loved someone like that in a long time.
I come back even better every time I experience a failure whether it’s in life, love, or fitness.
I hate heights. I’m even more afraid of falling. I’m not afraid of love, I’m more afraid of rejection & the scattered pieces of my heart that follow.
I’m not afraid of being alone, I’m more afraid of committing to a relationship & feeling lonely, again.
I’m proud of my risks & mistakes. I would never know how good it feels to realize you love someone so much it brings you to tears & no matter how much that other person pisses you off, you can look at them & you’re like, “Yeah, that’s my person.”
The thing is – I’m not the same woman as I used to be, & neither are you. We have the privilege to learn from our past experiences, good & bad, to find US & THEM.
Tips if you’re stuck in this rut:
– Take off the mask & filters. Perfection isn’t needed, the “real life shxt” is what builds a solid foundation.
– Own your baggage. Have the hard conversations you don’t want to have, with yourself & the people in your relationship.
– Be open to meeting someone with the same level of consciousness. You attract the energy you put out. You also have to be open to receive & believe you’re worthy of your desires.
– Live with JOY & Unattachment to outcomes. You have control over your reactions, which means you choose whether it is a positive experience or a negative one. It’s simply an experience, not a right or wrong decision.
Hope this helps🤗 I’m working on them too.
YOU ARE ALREADY LOVE!❤️
Oxox Coach