lil bit of fit

“I’ll be happier when” and why this is bullshit.

She told me, “Once I lose the weight I know I’ll find the right guy & the right job because I’ll be happier & more confident.”

I felt her emotion in my soul, that was me at one time, too.

I thought as long as I shrunk myself to the smallest version possible I would, then & only then, finally be happy in the depths of my disordered eating & abusive relationship with myself.

Somehow I convinced myself by controlling my body, I held the power.

Guess what?
Life kicked me in the face repeatedly.

However, despite the painful experiences of sickness, mental/physical heaviness of being obese, pain of living with Crohn’s, failed relationship & everything in between – I gained awareness.

I learned about communication, humility, compassion, empathy, self love, pride, proper nourishment, fitness, mindset, purpose, & the true meaning of wealth & happines.

I had one job I hated so much I wanted to cry every morning. I resigned after 2 months because I was miserable. I felt like the biggest failure & fell into a depression.

I didn’t know my purpose or what the f*ck I was supposed to be doing with my life. I didn’t know how to become the best version of myself.

I dove head first into researching & learning from resources & mentors such as The Secret, Abraham Hicks, Lacy Phillips @tobemagnetic , Bob Proctor, Wayne Dyer, Napoleon Hill, Dr. Joe Dispenza & more!

I learned about how I was wired, to embrace & accept myself thru researching my enneagram, astrology, human design, & Myers Briggs.

I learned that the statement, “I’ll be happier when”…
– was total bullsh*t.

So if you take anything from this post, please read these slides in their entirety. I promise you they will change your life!

9 Devastatingly Painful Experiences That Transformed My Life

1. Realizing I forced control & that following my heart was all that mattered.

It’s challenging to wrap your mind around getting quiet & doing less, doing what you love, & releasing the need to control or make sense of things are the secrets to having & experiencing everything we want. The Universe/God/Angels/Guides/whatever you believe give us exactly what we ask for & vibrate at. It just may not be in the form or ways that we anticipated. I found I was rejecting many of my manifestations & desires because they did not come to me in the people, places, things, & forms I THOUGHT they would come packaged as. Painfully humbling realization to say the least. I let my head control my decisions from what other people & society told me was “right” & “true.” Which I found were full of falsities, filters, facades, ill ego & were draining.

2. Realizing society lies & simply doing me unlocked the doors to manifesting.

I committed to learning & accepting more about myself, other people, & this world. Sources that opened my eyes: The teachings of Bob Proctor, The Secret, Lacy Phillips, Wayne Dyer, Abraham Hicks, Mike Dooley & his books Infinite Possibilities & Manifesting Change, & The Magic of Manifesting Series by Ryuu Shinohara. I now simply focus on feeling, allowing, & receiving whatever it is that I want in whatever form the Universe gives to me & feels right in my heart. I release questioning the who, what, why, & how. I know I can have whatever I want simply because I decide it is so which also takes action & intention. Release societies beliefs & rules on constructs on timelines, shoulds, love, work, relationships, wealth, health, money, success, etc. Live in the NOW. Your answers lie there.

3. Battling obesity & disordered eating.

By the time I was in the 7th grade, I weighed 160lbs at barely 5ft. My disordered eating & poor relationship with food & self started at the age of 8. I hated my thighs, my tummy, flabby back, & love handles.

I missed out on a lot of memories, parties, & wonderful experiences because I was that person who was too attached to their eating disorder, body dysmorphia, & f*cked up routine. My mental & physical health suffered. My relationships suffered.

Losing weight, finding a diet & lifestyle (carnivore & lifting) that worked for me, getting fit & strong helped me get a healthier body & boosted my confidence. It’s the reason I have success habits & a routine today to be my best self.

4. Realizing I create my reality.

I discovered 2 secrets that changed my life instantly:

• belief systems
• abundance mindset
  Work on the 2, & you’ll be an invincible force.

I discovered that negative belief systems created a negative life. And that wasn’t acceptable anymore.

Until I recognized negative patterns & changed my self-talk, I was constantly settling & walking around as a watered-down, half-assed version of myself.
If your inner chatter is negative, how can you do something amazing on the outside?

Same with an abundance mindset — there is enough for all of us to thrive & be successful.

5. Quitting my job.

It’s hands down one of the scariest & best decisions I’ve ever made. I had a job I hated every single day. It was in a cath lab. I had anxiety, my health was suffering because of stress & I was miserable. My relationship at the time suffered too. They both were extremely toxic environments I knew I had to gtf out of.

This season led to some of the most painful & wonderful discoveries of my life – moving, making my own schedule, CrossFit & nutrition coaching, learning to leap with faith.

I cannot even think of going back to one traditional 9–5 job now & having somebody else control my life.

My standard of living has improved. I’m happier, have more time, & earn more. I learn new sh*t every day.

6. Going thru divorces & dates.

I can’t even begin to describe the feelings of failure & shame as an overachiever & people pleaser enduring not one but TWO divorces & numerous failed relationships.

I didn’t even know how to date after my first divorce at 27 years old. But with each year & each shade of relationship, I discovered more & more about myself, other people, love languages, & communication. That relationships were here for reasons, maybe only a season, a more extended period of time &/or everything in between & that was ok.

I learned what worked well for me, what didn’t, how to communicate more efficiently, how to be happy alone & mold into the human I am today.

I now experience life & people with joy & curiosity. I live by The Four Agreements & don’t take anything personally. I learned to release people with a loving heart.

7. Forgiving my past.

It’s messy to come from a life of trauma & bullying. It leads to a part of you being affected deep in your subconscious.

Even today, it pops up from time to time, but I’m able to navigate thru it successfully. It turned me into a people pleaser, enabler, & over achiever which made me feel I always had to me more than what I was or something different.

Huge piece of advice…forgive everyone who’s hurt you directly or indirectly — family, friends, strangers. Hate is poison. I’m free of worry, blame, anger, resentment, shame.

Thinking of this gives me peace & makes me feel I have more control over my life & confidence I can shape however I want to. Every day is magic!

8. Writing vulnerably online.

I started my IG over 10+ years ago simply sharing my fitness journey. Today, I write online to share all my life lessons & secrets about anything that might benefit someone out there.

It changed my life forever.
It gave me a voice, confidence, purpose, mediums to be of service, a side business that I’m proud of & so much more!

“Giving is the secret of abundance.” — Sivananda

It’s also something I enjoy doing immensely, so I’m grateful every day that I get the opportunity to serve. There’s not a single day I haven’t written about it in gratitude.

It’s also wonderful reflection & therapy for me too. So thank you for allowing me to add value to your lives!

9. Practicing the power of love.

So let’s talk about the power of negativity. You look at a friend having fun & you feel jealous. You think you’re not as good & focus on what you do not have. That’s a sad way to live, you know? Instead, what if you use the power of love everywhere — starting with yourself? Give yourself love via affirmations & become an energy of love to spread everywhere else.

How can you love someone else when your own cup is empty? This is why so many relationships are hollow. Time & physicality do not determine the success of a relationship. Intimacy, openness, acceptance, & being able to evolve beside one another, do. Love starts from you, & only then can it reach others.

“Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.”- Oscar Wilde

I appreciate all y’all who take the time for me too to read & hold space❤️

Oxox Coach K