“Single” isn’t a dirty word.

I will be 39 on Friday & I’m single.

Pull up a chair this is gonna be a long one. 

Had a DM this mornin that made me chuckle, he asked, “How in tarnation (I appreciate the word usage of tarnation btw 😄) are you single? You poor thing.”

This is something that has been nagging at me to be talked about. I know I am not the only one out here in a similar situation.

If I had a fxcking dollar for every time I had someone ask me this or “I just can’t believe you’re single” & then stare at me with that look somewhere between pity & “there must be something wrong with you” …😂

To all my fellow singles, especially my more seasoned or “vintage” comrades as I like to say, I know – you KNOW.

I wanna reply with, “Well, apparently I make a really good fxckin ex-wife, & if you really wanna unpack my bag, I’ve been divorced twice & my last marriage lasted about 6 months & I almost moved to Japan.”

💁🏼‍♀️Pretty sure that would shut them up.🤣

 I regret nothing & my past relationship experiences have made me who I am & I love every single person I have been blessed to have been part of their lives & in a relationship with. 

My most recent divorce, was handled with maturity, love, respect, & was more conscious uncoupling than the typical, divorce.

I had people reach out, & I appreciate y’all‘s thoughts, but you guys were thinkin that I was devastated & destroyed like a fragile flower. Yes it was hard, any “divorce” is, but y’all, it’s gonna take more than that to shatter this girl.

I’ve had cattle beat the shxt out of me worse than that. I’m so grateful to have such wonderful loving people in my life both digital & “real” life.

I realize I am one of the fortunate ones with no negative “baggage” with exes.

 Why is it that we have to put such a negative connotation with, “single” like it’s a bad thing?

Being single used to give me anxiety as my younger self as I used to see being partnered as having more worth & being more desirable. Thought I had to be married & then had to have kids to be seen as successful.

Now as my almost 39 self I know that’s not the case, I see it as a blessing, a privilege, & like to refer to myself as being “self partnered.” 

I have a healthy relationship now with myself & because of everything I’ve experienced & spending time being single I feel now I can be a much better partner to someone else.

We learn & grow through the contrast in our experiences. That’s how we learn where we need to change & what we truly like & desire.

Doesn’t mean I don’t LOVE & desire having someone to live life with, but I feel I can live life with whomever I choose whenever I want & I don’t have to put a label on anything to justify & validify the experience – I can choose to be happy & have what I want right now without the anxiety & contractual nature of societal expectations & “norms.”

In my experience, “creative couples” are the happiest, & those couples can be married or not. The common denominators are they choose the definition, rules or lack of, & context of their relationship. 

They also evolve together AND as separate people. You are still 2 separate people but should be better together. The “right” relationships, in my opinion, should feel like freedom, adventure, & home.

I made a promise to myself to never put someone in a box where they feel trapped to not be themselves in the fullest most authentic form. Because I would not want someone to do that to me again as I’ve had done in the past. 

You should never feel like you have to get married or put a label on anything because that is what is expected of you. That’s why so many marriages end. You don’t have to be married to be happy. 

Just a tip from someone who’s been there on both ends of the spectrum, this is a conversation you need to have with your other half because it is a dealbreaker, same with talks of children. 

So all of you young 20 somethings & even some young 30 somethings that are getting married right now, here are some things to think about.

All your shxt needs to be laid out on the table no matter how painful it is or how fearful you are of being judged. And if you are seeking attention from someone else other than your significant other & your significant other is not open minded to being in an open kind of relationship — that is a red flag that you probably need to put on the brakes.

There are needs not being met & some things you most likely need to work out with yourself. And that’s totally OK.

That is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I have been that person, it doesn’t make you a piece of shxt, it makes you human. 

And to me the most attractive humans are the flawed ones that can own their shxt & be honest.

It’s OK to be what I refer to as “single at heart.” I feel that means if I had to describe it as people who will find their greatest fulfillment & meaning without a romantic partner. 

The touchstone for people who are single at heart is authenticity. This can mean things like traveling, finding hobbies & your purpose that light you up, career aspirations, artistic creation — all these things can bring the passion of a romantic relationship. 

Refrain your way of thinking.

Stop romanticizing about past & future relationships, I know it’s tempting to think that all of your problems will be solved once you meet your prince or princess but you might just be missing out on potential experiences that are right in front of you.

Take the more negative experiences as stepping stones to more confidently know what you do want. Whether it’s a bad date or you called off an engagement because you weren’t ready, or another divorce — who the hxll cares. All just experiences.

Alfred Lord Tennyson, “’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

Fortune favors the Bold😉 

Just LOVE.

Oxox Coach K