I said, “Get a life.”
Had the pleasure of snuggling up with a green beverage & answering questions with a digital friend yesterday on St. Patrick’s day.
She said, “I just need to pick your brain about some relationship things I’m going through. I respect & appreciate your positive energy sprinkled with such blunt honesty.”
I laughed 😄
Best compliment I had all day.
My dad used to say I was a lot like a caged raccoon. They’re attracted to shiny things & look all cute & harmless, but as soon as you stick your fingers in the cage they bite’em off.
Thanks Dad.
If you don’t come from the Midwest or the South you may not understand that metaphor. Lol 😂
I swear I don’t bite 😉
Anywhoodle…
She asked, “What’s the 1 piece of advice you would give to someone with codependency in every relationship they seem to have? Because that’s me. I feel I change for every relationship and rely on other people for my sense of happiness which in turn results in failed friendships & romantic relationships.”
I don’t know about y’all but I felt this woman’s question in my soul. That used to be me.
I wasn’t happy or felt any self worth unless I had a partner. I would let their energy affect my energy. I would change my interests, wants, & needs to suit their‘s. I would make their life, my life — to the point I felt my purpose was to simply serve them.
If you don’t know what codependency means:
noun
- excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.
Apparently being in a relationship was an illness and an addiction. My Achilles’ heel per se.
So I told her, “Get. A. Life.”
You know why we struggle with relationships in today’s society? Because we don’t cultivate a self aware one with ourselves first.
Because we don’t connect our souls with one another anymore, we like to connect our social media accounts & swipe right.
We communicate with ambiguity. Vapid small talk just to fill silence. We ourselves don’t get clarity on what we really want.
It seems when we do fall in love, it’s only after considering if we’re settling or not, whether a person can give us the life we want & fulfill unrealistic desires.
We’re blinded by filters. We forget to date one another. We let passion & playfulness & adventure die. We don’t ask what the other needs to be seen, heard, loved, & supported.
We look for someone perfect to complete us while we already have the best possible one within us.
I’m just gonna say this, ‘singlehood’ has been vilified for way too long. I believe it’s actually the 1 thing people need to experience fully in order to cultivate more successful , meaningful relationships.
If you don’t build a home in yourself first & don’t even know who you are as your authentic self, how do you expect to get to know someone else on a deeper level & accept them as they are?
It truly goes back to self love & self worth. You are seeking these things from other people.
High seekers do the same thing. Everything‘s great when it’s new & fun but as soon as the ‘real life’ mundane button is pushed, you become avoidant & seek new highs.
Yup, calling myself out there too. Queen of the avoidants. Thanks to my therapist for pointing that out.
Through therapy I learned how being made fun of as a kid affected my relationships & love life. I built walls so high around myself & guarded them with weapons of avoidant attachment, sarcasm & ambiguity.
My therapist told me I am REALLY GOOD at acting like I don’t give a fxck. So much so I somehow taught myself how to shut my emotion off & that’s why I was able to cut people out of my life with no remorse.
Oooof. Fxck me, right?! 😆
Sound familiar?
Anyone else an avoidant like me? 🤚
Guys that liked me who were attractive, smart, & successful intimidated me whether I liked them or not because I felt I was still that fat girl & not successful enough to be worthy of a relationship with them. My therapist said I placed them in this box of the popular boys at school that used to make fun of me, which wasn’t fair to them or myself.
So I’d ‘settle’ for less than men, frankly, as she put it, “Not on on the same level as me.” I did this because subconsciously I knew I was smarter, more successful, and more in control.
Same with successful women, too. I felt I wasn’t good enough to “sit at the cool kids table.”
Oooof. Another fxck me.😫
These are the things you need to hear. I understand it’s not what you want to hear. They’re dirty, & heavy, & gross.
Find yourself. Date yourself. You have to be whole first. No one completes you or owns your relationship. A relationship is shared, it’s like a Google Drive.
What happens is you get into a relationship & lose your life slowly. That relationship then becomes your life, your world.
Then when something goes wrong in that relationship, or there is conflict, your world comes crashing down because you’ve made that relationship your world.
We share our life with our partner we don’t give our life to our partner & vice versa. It doesn’t mean to love LESS it means to love SO MUCH your wholeness, & your partners wholeness mean more individually so you can both be POWERFUL AF together.
Find someone carrying their own bag.
Find someone that is willing to sit on the floor beside you. Y’all can pack & unpack your bags together. ❤️
I’ll be right there with you, with a cocktail or coffee, your choice 😉
Oxox Coach K